Personal conundrum [Adult]

[Cail]

Foul, it all boils down to what you feel comfortable with. I've had casual sex, relationship sex, and married sex, and as far as I'm concerned, it's like pizza, and we know there's no such thing as bad pizza.

Don't rush it, and don't force it, it'll happen when it happens. Don't worry about what others say and do. Usually people who talk about it a lot do it very little (or not at all).

And for God's sake, don't listen to Lurch....You know, it does look like he's typing with one hand.....

[Fist and Faith]

As I've said, I - involuntarily - waited until I was 22. I was quite sure I would die an extremely old virgin. The only advice, or words of wisdom, are useless: Just relax. Everybody always says that to people in your situation, and to women who are having great difficulty conceiving a child, and other fun situations. They say, "It will happen when you finally relax." Duh. It happens when you finally give up! Funny, depressing, and true.

Truly, I don't want to sound patronizing, so please don't take it that way. But take it from someone a little more than twice your age; you have almost NO idea what's in store for you. Personally, I never had all that many specific goals for myself. I'm very unmotivated in most ways. Therefore, I didn't really have guesses about what my life would be like at this point. But it sure wouldn't have been what it is! Not that it's bad. Actually, I wouldn't change too much about my life. You'll be surprised SOOO often.

One thing I will guarantee is that you'll not die a virgin. (Uh, that is, if you live anything close to a normal lifespan.) Guaranteed. I'll tell you just one of the reasons why. It's something I didn't come to understand until within the last several years. Ready for this? A large percentage of women want relationships and sex! I know! It boggles the mind, doesn't it?? Hey, I've said often enough that I never knew a damned thing about women, and that's the type of thing I meant. I really didn't know a damned thing, and don't claim to know too terribly much still. But that's one thing I do know.

So just relax. Instand karma's gonna get you. Gonna knock you off your feet!

[[Syl]]

Hahahaha, right on, Cail.

Alright, buddy, here it is from a guy that was a virgin until he was 21 and loves sex... Everybody here is right, as far as it concerns their own sexuality. You just gotta find your own.

Me, I'm with Lurch. You're in college, man. Go and get some. You are never going to be at this point in your life again. You just gotta tell yourself "f*** it," go out, have a good time, and let happen what happens.

No offense to Tracy, but don't worry too much about disease. Only about ten percent of AIDS infected males get it from heterosexual sex, and a condom is sufficient protection. More problematic for a man of your age and proclivities would be herpes, hepatitis, and genital warts. Herpes you can check for (possible to spread without outbreaks, but next to impossible with a condom), hepatitis you can get immunized for, and genital warts... well, they're really common and treatable. Just wear a condom and wear it well.

And from a guy that grew up in Nevada, even went in to the infamous Mustang Ranch to get a keychain when he was 16, there's nothing wrong with paying for it. You always pay for it, one way or another, and from what I hear, you get your money worth in NV (not to mention there are required health checks, bathing, and condom use that you don't have with the girl at the bar).

[drew]

Hey Foul, It's all up to you.
If you're happy without it, don't do it. Cho says she's happy.
If you want to try it, go and get it..it's not hard to find.
If you want to wait to find someone special, do that instead.

Obviously, you wanted some advice or as Lurch said, you wouldn't have posted a topic here...so my advice is:

Don't Pigeon Hole Yourself (I'm sure that one will end up the the Double Entendre thread) ie: If you decide to stay a virgin your whole life today, and then ten years from now, meet the person you were meant to be with, don't let that moldy ten year old apparation cloud your judgement.

As far as i'm concerned, sex is just sex. It's not a right of passage, it's not nessecary to be part of the human race, it's just sex.
Though it is a natural human instinct like eating and drinking, it's not nessecary to survive; so you're not really missing anything, if you're not missing it now...but keep in mind, when done properly, it's quite enjoyable.

[Fist and Faith]

One of my favorite sayings is: The difference between free sex and sex you pay for is that you pay a lot more for free sex.

Some people will even tell you that sex can be a spiritual experience. I need to think a bit more about how best to explain this, so more later.

It is as Tracie said. She's describing a spiritual experience. I'm not saying that sex with a stranger wouldn't be a blast. I've never had the experience, and wouldn't do it in today's world of diseases, despite Syl's assurances. Heh. But sex with someone you're connecting with on every other level is an experience like nothing else. The ultimate physical experience (and we are, after all, physical beings, even if it's only the temporary shell that some believe it to be), which transcends the physical. Sheesh, should I share too much here? Well, read on if you want. One of the truly great moments of my life was making love on my wedding night. We were both exhausted beyond belief from the activities of the previous few days. You know, the planning, running around, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, entertaining visiting guests, and the wedding itself. Physically speaking, the sex was far from spectacular. But I was making love to a woman I loved dearly, who, mere hours ago, had walked down the aisle to ME, and vowed to spend the rest of her life with ME and no other. That's as humbling, exhilirating, flattering, moving, and powerful as anything I can imagine. If that doesn't touch you on your wedding day, you're dead. That is spiritual.

[drew]

We were so drunk on our wedding night, it was more like "Let's just get it over with so we can pass out" with a cheap porno playing on the hotel television...of course we already had a couple of kids by the time we were married, and were living together for a few years, so it wasn't a big deal really.

[Worm of Despite]

Alright, buddy, here it is from a guy that was a virgin until he was 21 and loves sex... Everybody here is right, as far as it concerns their own sexuality. You just gotta find your own.

Me, I'm with Lurch. You're in college, man. Go and get some. You are never going to be at this point in your life again. You just gotta tell yourself "f*** it," go out, have a good time, and let happen what happens.

Like you said, Syl: I've got to find my own. Problem is, I'm thinking the "lurch method" is not my own, heh. I appreciate the advice, of course. If anything, it's interesting to see the different points of view.

Just stop the moody excuse making. You're like a blind guy saying that you don't think you'd like the color Blue!,,,and you are writing a book?

See, this is something that niggles me. It ties back into the "you aren't a man" angle if you don't do it. So if I don't have sex I can't properly write a book? I've written one before, and it communicated what I wanted, virginity notwithstanding.

I personally don't think I'm making excuses; I just think it's me trying to be honest with myself, because honesty is important to me. Sure, a very impulsive, physical side wants to have sex; that's part of the deal, part of this human package I'm wrapped in.

But another side of me strongly values sex the way Furls or Fist values it. I honestly don't want to have it just to have it. I can't imagine myself just "dropping everything" and going out just to copulate. I feel like I'd be missing the whole shebang--the elements of love and sharing and whatnot.

I mean,,bringing your 20 year old virginity to a public chatroom...C'mon.

I guess I'm just the type of guy who likes to examine myself and present what I've examined to others, because I value second opinions.

But the way you say it, it seems I should feel shame. Why? I'm supposed to be embarrassed about my honesty, supposed to just bottle in these feelings and truths about myself? Just doesn't seem a healthy position. Besides, these are my friends; I should be able to talk with them about stuff like this.

[Furls Fire]

HUGGLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS David.

I'm glad you shared. And you shouldn't feel shame at all. On the contrary. The world, especially this country, is sooooooo wrapped up in sex. TV, movies, music, advertising..etc. People, kids especially, feel they aren't a whole person unless they are bed hopping. I admire and respect your feelings about your OWN sexually. Don't listen to anyone but yourself. Your heart will guide you.

And Syl, HIV can and does get transmitted even thru condoms. Yes, the numbers are down, but it still happens. To deny that is dangerous. I am and AIDS educator and activist, and what is happening now is a mutation of the virus. It is becoming resistant to the cocktails. Condoms break. And people, men and women can walk around with HIV for years not knowing they have it. Casual sex is dangerous even with a condom. Case in point, Isaiah, he used a condom and made sure his "partners" used them as well...religiously. And guess what...he still got AIDS.

Follow your heart, David. One day, it may surprise you.

[Plissken]

Well, here's an opinion: You're 20. Yay, for being honest with yourself, but don't decide that anything's permanent about your attitudes, sexlife, attitudes about your sexlife, politics, etc.

You're 20. People older than you are just now discovering whether they like boys or girls.

You're 20. Relax.

[CovenantJr]

I'm really just going to echo things that have already been said, but...

If you meet someone with whom it feels right to have sex, and you reach a point where you're both comfortable with the idea and want to do it - go ahead.

Basically, don't do anything that you don't feel happy with. I was nearly 21, and I'd been with my then-girlfriend for eight months. Something I've discovered as I've got older is that a lot of people lie about this stuff. Being a virgin in your twenties isn't nearly as rare as so many people make out.

And it doesn't matter. It's like anything in life - what matters is how important it is to you, and acting or not according to what feels right to you. Trying to measure anything so personal against an external standard is both futile and misleading.

Go with the flow.

[Worm of Despite]

Well, here's an opinion: You're 20. Yay, for being honest with yourself, but don't decide that anything's permanent about your attitudes, sexlife, attitudes about your sexlife, politics, etc.

You're 20. People older than you are just now discovering whether they like boys or girls.

You're 20. Relax.

I'm completely relaxed. Very comfortable in this leather chair. I understand that things most likely will change (they're changing now, I think), but I'm just trying to find footing, is all. I think I've found it.

[Mica]

I personally don't think I'm making excuses; I just think it's me trying to be honest with myself, because honesty is important to me. Sure, a very impulsive, physical side wants to have sex; that's part of the deal, part of this human package I'm wrapped in.

But another side of me strongly values sex the way Furls or Fist values it. I honestly don't want to have it just to have it. I can't imagine myself just "dropping everything" and going out just to copulate. I feel like I'd be missing the whole shebang--the elements of love and sharing and whatnot.

I mean,,bringing your 20 year old virginity to a public chatroom...C'mon.

I guess I'm just the type of guy who likes to examine myself and present what I've examined to others, because I value second opinions.

But the way you say it, it seems I should feel shame. Why? I'm supposed to be embarrassed about my honesty, supposed to just bottle in these feelings and truths about myself? Just doesn't seem a healthy position. Besides, these are my friends; I should be able to talk with them about stuff like this.[/quote]




Hmm, to be honest with you, is nothing to be ashemed of your values and honesty. Unfortunately those values and honesty can be tested. In these days it's even harder to make choices. Do I do it because I "need" to know what is all about and have the experience and something to talk about or should I wait until I find the right person and the right moment?

If I were your age and I have that experience that I have now, I will wait, its worth it. When you find your perfect partner you will know exactly what to do and believe me sex is not going to be the only thing great, of course it will make you believe that you're almost in heaven but then again every little thing that is involved in a relationship counts here.

I strongly believe for what you had expressed, that having just sex to justify your mandhood it doesn't make it right. It probably lead you to dissapointment and feeling empty.

I remember when I was in Middle School, one of my teacher told us: "sex is like exercise, you can't deny that your body needs it" and he might be right, your body will feel great, after all why wouldn't? But what about your feelings, your beliefs and values?

Hey, I'm glad you're brave to talk about it and that for me proofs that you're a real man that know where he stands!

We're here to listen and and try to help if we can, but your the one that have the power to make a choice and in this case is there is no right or wrong. Follow your heart

Just a humble opinion from an old lady

[[Syl]]

And Syl, HIV can and does get transmitted even thru condoms. Yes, the numbers are down, but it still happens. To deny that is dangerous.

I'm not denying it, Furls. I'm just saying that with proper knowledge and care, to live your life in fear of it is pointless. If you use a condom (properly, your odds of contracting anything life-threatening are less than the chance of dying driving to the store for groceries. The odds of getting anything less are about on par with getting food poisoning eating out.

Case in point, Isaiah, he used a condom and made sure his "partners" used them as well...religiously. And guess what...he still got AIDS.

Correct me if I'm wrong (please), but wasn't Isaiah gay? That's a considerably larger at risk group (let's not even go into the outright stupidity of bareback parties and such).

[Sheriff Lytton]

Lord Foul,

Firstly, I take my hat off to you for having the courage to even bring the subject up.

Honestly mate, it really isn't that abnormal that you've reached 20 and you remain a virgin. It's more common than you might think.

As regards sex, and the mystique of it all... yes, there may be times when it's a fantastic moment of epiphany - but they're the exception rather than the rule. Sometimes it goes really well, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes it goes OK.

And there are times where you find yourself thinking "God, this is repetitive. The basic concept remains the same no matter how many different spine damaging positions we do it in."

The only advice I can give you is

1) Don't exclude the possibility from your life as it really can be rather fun.

2) If you end up in a relationship, talk to your partner openly and honestly about what you both like/don't like. Don't let embarassment stop you, as it's very important to do stuff you really want to.

3) When you get down to it, remember that penetrative sex is not the be all and end all. Indeed, it's a bit of a cul-de-sac. The human body is covered from head to toe with nerve endings that react in a variety of different ways to many stimuli. Remember this, and a man with your imagination and intelligence will keep a lady very happy indeed.

4) Find the clitoris. If you can't, ask her to show you. This is extremely important.

5) Enjoy yourself. You can't help but know when someone's having a good time and it goes down a treat.

[matrixman]

I mean,,bringing your 20 year old virginity to a public chatroom...C'mon.
If you're real about this..there is alot more to being a Man than gettin your dick wet,,but it starts from somewhere and You need to get started.

This may be a public chatroom as you say, lurch, but how does that justify you mocking a subject that Lord Foul wants to discuss honestly and seriously? I think he deserves better than the kind of over-the-top He-Man responses you're giving him.

Anyway, like the Sheriff, I also salute LF for having the guts to bring up this subject--and in so doing risk ridicule by other members.

[Fist and Faith]

No ridicule forthcoming from my member.

[matrixman]

Dammit, Fist, I walked right into that one...

[Worm of Despite]

4) Find the clitoris. If you can't, ask her to show you. This is extremely important.

Heh, I've seen enough pr0n to know. But yeah, thanks for the advice. But, despite whatever knowledge I have of the subject beforehand, I'm sure I'll be damn nervous and reactionary, rather than taking the lead. Of course, I suppose that’s the hallmark of inexperience.

[High Lord Tolkien]

By the way, if you're a guy and you've masturbated to "completion" then you're not a virgin.

[Sheriff Lytton]

I'm sure I'll be damn nervous and reactionary, rather than taking the lead.

If memory serves me correctly I was exactly like that, and I'm willing to bet the same applies for pretty much everyone. I found that being in the company of an extremely nice lady who was a fair bit older than me made my anxiety pass very quickly indeed. She was extremely keen on the idea of educating/deflowering a young chap so there was no pressure on me whatsoever. I'd thoroughly recommend it.

Of course, I suppose that’s the hallmark of inexperience.

Well, that really could work in your favour (see above)

Good luck to you anyway. I hope you can find someone who makes you happy - because that's more important than sex any day.