The only poem I've ever written...

[Dervorin]

... that I feel moderately satisfied with.

Elegy Written On the Death of my Favourite Sock

Where art thou now, O lonely, left-footed friend of mine?
Wandering through Valhalla, or some afterlife divine?
Art thou gone to oblivion, or to burn forever in Hell?
Or reborn as a handkerchief - who among us can tell?

Last morning you were sprightly, with your mirror image paired,
Your right-footed companion with you my drawer shared.
This evening I am gloomy, aye, sunk deep and morose
And from out of my left sandal, do coyly peep my toes.

Into the great round portal of the washing machine you went -
(I cannot bear to think of it, in grief I am double-bent)
To have your sins all washed away, and your purity restored,
But the omens I did not heed, and the warnings I ignored.

And when the buzzer sounded, I knew not that I had erred,
I could not know, in truth, that 'twas your death-knell that I heard.
I opened the great round door, and eagerly peered within -
But you were gone - GONE! - amid the flurry of Wash and Rinse and Spin.

Now I am a shadow of a man, broken where once I was bold.
With frost-bite in my left foot, and other ailments of the cold.
I pass my time in listening to the meaningless tick of the clock,
And in cursing the foul machine that went and ate my sock.

[Prebe]

Excellent Dervorin! While most men have heard (or indeed fabulated) about this phenomenon in prose, yours is truly the only time I have seen it made into verse, beautifully at that.

Your meter needs a loving hand in places, but mostly it's just a matter of filling in an "Of" or chosing a word with a syllable less.

(and not "that 'twas". Either "'twas" or "that was"

Great and captivating story!

[High Lord Tolkien]

Dervorin, you had me at "Where".

[Worm of Despite]

Keep at it Dervorin! Experience is the best reward a writer can give himself. Either that or copious amounts of opium. Depends on the century.

[Prebe]

Either that or copious amounts of opium. Depends on the century.

ROFLMAO!

[lucimay]

brilliant briLLiant work!!!! i love this soooo much!! may i read this friday night at the Cafe International Spoken Work Open Mic, Dervorin??? I promise promise promise NOT to pretend i wrote it and give full and due credit to yourself!!! can i please??? (not kidding, very sincere!!)

Keep at it Dervorin! Experience is the best reward a writer can give himself. Either that or copious amounts of opium. Depends on the century.

[Dervorin]

Thank you all!

Oh, I know it's a little unpolished in places; it was written as a funny piece for a school concert, and as such was a little rushed.

Lucimay certainly read it! Just so long as you promise to pass on all requests for international publication back to me. Seriously, though, I'll try to edit it a little tomorrow so that it reads a little more smoothly, and then it's all yours.

Prebe: could you point out where you think the metre is a little ragged? Much appreciated.

[Lady Revel]

I LOVE this poem, you know I do!

But, and please forgive my vanity, I must admit that I prefer the poem you wrote about me!

[lucimay]

Thank you all!

Oh, I know it's a little unpolished in places; it was written as a funny piece for a school concert, and as such was a little rushed.

Lucimay certainly read it! Just so long as you promise to pass on all requests for international publication back to me. Seriously, though, I'll try to edit it a little tomorrow so that it reads a little more smoothly, and then it's all yours.

Prebe: could you point out where you think the metre is a little ragged? Much appreciated.

THANKS Dervorin!!! you rock!! I will brush up on the bio you put in the newbie thread and tell a bit about you before i read the piece!!! this will be so fun!!! i'm excited!!! (i have a couple of new pieces to read that night too!! yea!!) will let you know how loudly they laugh and clap!!!
please pm me with revisions if you don't mind!! thanks again!!


(eek...sorry about all those exclamation marks...i get a little overly enthusiastic sometimes and go loopy with the punctuation! heh. )

[sgt.null]

great work. i am jealous, nobody has asked to read my stuff, even to their dog.

[Avatar]

Haha, nice Dervorin. Fun and light...could be Lewis Carrol.

--A

[lucimay]

Haha, nice Dervorin. Fun and light...could be Lewis Carrol.

--A

excellent comparison Avatar!!

[Avatar]

Thanks... I like Lewis Carrol...I thought I saw... was the feeling I got from this one.

--A

[Prebe]

Sure thing Dervorin. I'll look at it tonight (I'm at work now)

I'll try the last verse:

Now I am [/u] a shadow of a man, broken where once I was bold.

The position of the word "broken" ironically breaks the rhythm of the sentence, because it gives you two stressed syllable after one another. Try:

Now I'm a shadow of a man, all broken though once bold.
(Alternating stressed and non stressed syllables. The easiest meter by far, but not necessarily the prettiest)
With frost-bite in my naked foot, and ailments of the cold.
I pass my time by listening to the ticking of the clock,
And cursing at that foul machine that went and ate my sock.

Also note that the number of syllables in each line is syncronised (14 syllables to the line).

I admit that taking out a word as "meaningless" weakens it a bit. But you can probably work around if you spend some time. Just remember:

I you want to use a word as meaningless, you should have a word with the same syllable structure in the next line in the same place (One stressed followed by two non stressed syllables, for example "Odious")

It sounds best when you don't put two stressed syllables next to each other. If you do, you must have a similar structure in the corresponding unit. Keep the number of syllabels constant in each unit (that does not have to be a line (as it is here), it can be more. It is the repeated units that need to have the same rhythm and number of syllables).

Now we want to hear nothing but the ripping of mr. Pritchard

[Prebe]

Here's a link with all the theory:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry)