Loss and Pain

[Lorelei]

As some of you know..this year has not been kind to me...
For those that don't know....I lost both my parents in 8 months......
At this point I am experiencing the anger part of grief....I hate them for leaving me....I'm not normally one to ask for help or support but....I think this is more than one person can take.....

*edit*
Part of my issue is that most people that know me personally expect a rational response.......I doubt that my response will be fully rational for some time.

[The Laughing Man]

you need to find a way to talk to them, and talk until there's nothing left to say.....having something to squeeze or punch handy will definitely help.....so will listening to them.....

[Loredoctor]

As some of you know..this year has not been kind to me...
For those that don't know....I lost both my parents in 8 months......
At this point I am experiencing the anger part of grief....I hate them for leaving me....I'm not normally one to ask for help or support but....I think this is more than one person can take.....

*edit*
Part of my issue is that most people that know me personally expect a rztional response.......I doubt that my response will be fully rational for some tome.

KW is here for you, L.

[Lorelei]

you need to find a way to talk to them, and talk until there's nothing left to say.....having something to squeeze or punch handy will definitely help.....so will listening to them.....

What do you mean by listening to them....I have dreams, and frankly they are quite freaky.....at this point anything is welcome.

[The Laughing Man]

okay...I'll pick up where your freaky dreams left off, heh....

start by INTENDING from your WOMB your pure and concise DESIRE to speak with and settle all of your issues with your parents. Just INTEND with all of your being your wish to understand, your wish to not be sad, your wish to tell them everything you want to say, GOOD AND BAD, but DO NOT seek to BLAME, seek to understand why you feel the need to blame, and hold nothing back! If you have something nasty you always wished you could have said, then say it to their face, feel good and bad about it, just like you should, just like you did and thought in your mind at the time something happened that provoked you or whatever.....

you must completely embrace every interaction, and hold a clear picture of THEM, whatever vision of them that you can conjure with your INTENT, and hold it with your DESIRE to make peace with yourselves, and give them an opprtunity to make peace with you....if you feel they need to apologize for something, then simply ask them.....all of this must take place in an undisturbed environment that holds THE MOST sentimental value for you and your parents...keep INTENDING to speak with them until one day it happens, hopefully......and if you are successful enough, they will speak to you and tell you things you couldn't know, but should.....they were real people, just like you....but fear and anger and frustration are your enemies to this process, and may well be the cause.....

it may sound crazy, or even pretty vague, but it's supposed to be, it's really that simple: INTEND IT. just do it, however you can, noones around to judge you or laugh at you, so just find a way.....and just try to listen if you find yourself "communicating" with them........it may be the "real deal", it may just be a subconscious representation of them, either way the effects are REAL, and not to be trifled......if you need clarifications and such I'm happy to oblige...

[Fist and Faith]

As the guy with the scary avatars says, we're here for you. I don't have the slightest idea what to say. Not good at this kind of thing. But my thoughts are with you.

[lucimay]

yeah...what Fist said Lorelei.

sing.
sounds stupid i know
but it always helps me.


and here's a hug too...

[Xar]

We're all here for you...

Esmer is right though... it's very hard, but try, rather than to blame them or hate them, to think about how lucky you have been to have them with you for all this time. Lots of people in the world never know one or both parents, or have parents they can't stand, or who left them; think how lucky - how blessed - you have been to have them both with you for so long. How they loved you (and still love you, if you believe in an afterlife), and how you love them in return. Have no doubt that if they could have, they would never have given you so much grief...
And listen to your dreams... it may be your subconscious dealing with the loss, or it may be something else altogether, but as long as you see them in your dreams, as long as you may even talk to them, does it matter? As long as you hold them in your heart, are they really gone?

[Avatar]

It doesn't matter that you are angry with them, blame them or hate them for now. This too will pass, hard as it is to believe right now.

Talking to them (or writing to them) is a good idea. Verbalising and externalising your feelings helps to purge them in the long run.

Be angry if it helps you for now. You know in your heart of hearts that there is no blame to lay, but you also know that rationality cannot always be a part of your emotions.

Get it out, and you won't be able to sustain it for too long, because the rational will reassert itself.

We're thinking of you.

--A

[Lorelei]

Thanks all

I know that the anger will pass, between that and the heat here I have had a really hard time sleeping. Or course when I do, I have these really bizarro dreams. I've had dreams about both my folks where they didn't realize they were dead.....I had to explain to them why they couldn't move anymore.

Part of the problem too is that I work alone most of the day....thoughts bounce around my head and I can't get them out.

[Avatar]

That's what we're here for.

--A

[Esmer]

I have to say tho, that as much therapy as I've gotten from this place, I've perhaps required just as much because of it.....

[Furls Fire]

I don't know what your belief is, Lorelei. I thought I would offer mine, and maybe it will comfort you.

I too have lost loved ones. My brother, my daughter, my "adopted" brother/friend/loved one, and so many other friends...I lost them to AIDS. Do I mourn their passings? Yes. But not in the way most people think. I am sad for me, because I am no longer able to touch them, "see" them, call them up on the phone...etc. But, they do still live, Lorelei. They reside now it a beautiful place, where there is no pain, no AIDS, no suffering. And...that brings me so much joy.

My brother, Stephen, wrote this poem when he was 10 years old. He knew even then that his life here would be short.

If I should be the first to go
mourn not the grave I lie,
although my chair is empty
my spirit did not die.

Death is not a foe to fear
When mortal time is through.
The tears I shed are sadness
at thoughts of leaving you.

I'll miss your cherished love,
The looks, the touches that said
when one of us was hurt-
the others always bled.

Memories are the blessing
that endure beyond the dust,
we accept the will of God
and do the things we must.

If I should be the first to go
I'll mark the path with care
so when you follow in my steps-
you'll find me waiting there.

Stephen C. McKinney...10 years old, 1979

I believe your parents will be waiting for you when your time of passing comes. Cherish now the memories you have of them and know they are not truly gone, because you are still here and they live within your heart.

God bless...

[duchess of malfi]

I have nothing to add other than that we are all here when you need hugs!

Losing people is the worst and hardest thing in the world. And I do not know what is worse - losing someone you love and always got along with, or losing someone you had issues with that will now never be able to resolved (in this world anyway).

When you need to talk, and you find yourself alone - we are here.

[Plissken]

Loss is always hard. Loss of a central person is more so. Remember, you still have everything that made their loss central to your life - your loss is the loss of finding out what would've happened next with your precious people.

My Father talks about not being able to talk to his Father about new developments in his life. This is a double-edged conundrum. On the one hand, he is no longer able to interact with Grandad. On the other, he is constantly interacting with Grandad - when he got his first business started, my Dad's first thought was, "Wish you could see this, dad - you'd have loved it!!"

You still carry everything you love about your lost ones with you. In that way, you will never be without them.

[lucimay]

exactly Plissken.

my grandmother, Lucy May...she is always with me. (beyond the fact that i use her name here...or maybe that's WHY i use her name here...because she is SO present in my life.)

i had never understood what people meant when they said that your loved ones would still be with you even after they passed. after my grandmother died i got it. she didn't go away. her words, her laughter, her kindness and understanding, it's all there with me, all the time. everyminute i ever spent with her remains with me. i talk to her all the time...and sometimes...i can "hear" her talking back.

this, of course, losing my grandmother, is completely different than you, Lorelei, losing both your parents. you are the adult now. this is the weirdest possible thing i can imagine and i have no experience to draw on for words of comfort. i'm glad you have your brother and i hope that we here can provide some modicum of support. no matter how far away we are or how removed we may seem, we ARE here. you are part of a larger thing...the "us" of The Watch. holler if you need us.

and one more hug

[Elfgirl]

What Luci said! I lost my gran when my sis and I were travelling through Europe - my mum didn't tell us for a month (til we got back) but we somehow sensed something was wrong. I had never gotten over the fact that I wasn't there to say goodbye to her (she raised me for my first few years) and it always bugged me that Mum never said anything.

Then one day about 6 years later, my then boyfriend's mum Chrissie took me to a spiritualist church (yeah, me the heathen) - if you don't know how they work, well, there's a medium who gives people messages 'from the other side' - and this guy in front of me got a message which, to me, sounded like a description of my gran, but I didn't say anything. Chrissie was psychic too and as soon as the thing was over, she immediately said "Tell me about your grandmother". I was gobsmacked because I'd never mentioned my gran to her at that stage! She told me the message I thought was for that guy in front of me was actually MY GRAN trying to get through to me! Next day Chrissie told me she'd had a dream and asked me what the things meant - weird things that related back to my gran. And she said that she was watching over me still.

So, I'm in the way of thinking that (even though I am still a heathen!) you don't really lose touch with loved ones. You just gotta tune yourself into the cosmos a bit better.

Funny thing is, my gran said she saw dead people. She had a conversation with a friend of hers who'd died (I remember her telling me this story and creeping me out over it!) She actually said, "What's it like over there?" and her friend replied, "Oh, just like here but without electricity"...

Gods? Heaven? Afterlife? Who knows? Even if they only live on in your memory, your folks will always be with you, Lorelei.

[Plissken]

"Oh, just like here but without electricity"... Shocked

HA! I laugh with dead people...

[High Lord Tolkien]

Thanks all

I know that the anger will pass, between that and the heat here I have had a really hard time sleeping. Or course when I do, I have these really bizarro dreams. I've had dreams about both my folks where they didn't realize they were dead.....I had to explain to them why they couldn't move anymore.

Part of the problem too is that I work alone most of the day....thoughts bounce around my head and I can't get them out.

It sucks losing a parent.
But 2 in less than a year is just unimaginable to me.
A friend of mine just lost her father and we both agreed that the time when you're alone is the worst.
Driving in the car, for example, was tough for me initially because it allowed me time to let my mind wander, review, analyze and reflect......
But that was over ten years ago.
The horrible and vivid images and sounds in my mind from the days before my Mother died eventually faded to be replaced by happy memories.
Now I'm just sad that my Mom is gone but only because there is so much that I've done with my life that I know she would have been proud of and I would love to share with her.
If you can over the next few months or years try to talk with people who knew your parents.
Ask them for stories and such.
I bet you'll hear things that you never knew or maybe hear things you know but from a different perspective and it will make you laugh.

[lucimay]

thats excellent advice HLT...i agree...ask for stories.