Deus Exes

[Vain]

Not even sure if there is an answer for this but in your opinion, should one actually worry about the choices ones ex makes? Choices such as careers, whether or not the person they're with is right for them, whether they're stressed out or not etc.

Does the answer depend on certain factors - like who left who and how long they've been an ex for?

[Avatar]

You can worry about it, but you can't do anything about it.

You probably can't help worrying either though.

Sure, on the one hand, those factors that you mention probably play a large role in whether or not you'll worry. If you dumped her, never wanted to see or think of her again, then you probably wouldn't worry.

But there is probably always some sort of connection, some desire for their well-being that goes hand in hand with having been in a meaningful relationship with them.

You can't help that, and nor can they. But considering your chance of changing their choices is minimal, you shouldn't let it get to you too much. If you maintain a friendly relationship with them, by all means voice your concern. And then let them do what they want. They will anyway.

--A

[Creator]

Even when someone is an "EX", the old emotions to love and care don't disappear (sometimes they are repressed). It is normal to worry about the choices. However, unless a choice is CLEARLY self-destructive or life threatening, probably best to let things go unless asked.

[And even if asked, proceed cautiously.]

[Prebe]

Shouldn't this go in the EX forum (Sorrrrryyyyy!!!!)

[SoulQuest1970]

Interesting question. Do I care about my ex's choices? Yes. Partly because those choices might affect the kids, or my finances when it comes to jobs and how involved he chooses to be. Am I concerned about his other choices like a risky sexual lifestyle (very little common sense here) with the same gender? Yeah... this could affect his health. DO I worry that he has put on about 100 lbs since he left because his lady friend lets him eat whatever he wants and allows him to drink nothing but soda and the teeth are rotting out of his head? Yeah, again it affects his health. I accept that I have no control of these things. I do not worry about them. I wish he would make better choices, but now I do not have to live with him and watch him self destruct... and the kids don't have to watch him either.

So, no. I do not worry about him. I do care about him and pray that one day he will change his ways of behaving. I can hope for his sake that he can change these things, but in the meantime I am not going to hold my breath. I do love him because he is my kids' father and in his heart he is a good person, but I've not been in love with him in a long time... in fact, I am not sure I ever was in love with him.

[Menolly]

:agreeing with SQ:::

I was married before, and have not been in touch with my ex at all since meeting Paul. However, we had no children together. If there were children involved, I would guess that the non-custodial parent should have some input on their access to the children if the custodial parent decides to move far away or some such.

But, that's about the only circumstance I can envision justifying meddling. Otherwise I would stay out of it unless asked.

[lucimay]

no dilemma for me.

who is an "ex" but an old friend?
like Creator said, caring doesn't stop
but your "responsibility" to intervene
or even comment does.

every situation is different i think.

[Vain]

Are exes really friends though?

There's a saying (i can't remember who to attribute it to) that goes:

From Friends to Lovers - Yes
From Lovers to Friends - No

Or something to that effect.

[lucimay]

well...i can't speak for the rest of the planet but i've managed okey dokey.

the two crazy ones i didn't keep but otherwise...all my ex's are old friends.

sheesh. do you have relationships with people who AREN'T your friends?
that's kinda weird.

[Vain]

I suppose when I say ex, I mean ex-husband/wife and not ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. And when I say friend, I don't mean on friendly terms but friend - which includes confidante, buddy and the like.

Mayhaps I'm not quite explaining myself properly but as always, it's good to get the perspectives of others - and you guys provide just that

[Avatar]

do you have relationships with people who AREN'T your friends?
that's kinda weird.

--A

[SoulQuest1970]

Are exes really friends though?

There's a saying (i can't remember who to attribute it to) that goes:

From Friends to Lovers - Yes
From Lovers to Friends - No

Or something to that effect.

I think a lot of that depends upon the people involved. Like I have a friend who's ex is bipolar and no matter how agreeable he tries to be, she is ugly and uses the kids to get at him. I think she is starting to chill a bit, but this has been 3 years. I know others that are friends just fine and it works great for the kids. In some cases the hurt feelings are just too much... at least for a while. In my friend's case, she left him and the kids then tried to kidnap the kids... twice. Oddly enough she has custody and he gets them 2 weekends and Wednesdays a month. Now, I do understand a bit why she may have left because without meaning to he can be insensitive making jokes even about spiritual beleifs and stuff. His actions aren't intentional and do not condone hers. My ex... well, I am friendly, but I wouldn't call him a friend really. Friends are there for one another. Friendship is 2 way. If both parties are able to set aside thier hurt feelings and both desire to maintain a frienship then, yes, I do think it is possible.

[A Gunslinger]

Unless you are tried and true friends, or unless you have joint custody over a pet, I would not get involved AT ALL!!

[spacemonkey]

This is weird,my EX is just that,she's in a different state,so no,Ireally don't care what she does,she left me,okey-dokey.I moved on.Nope, personally,it doesn't matter to me at all what happens.Yes,I know that's really cold,but,the circumstances around the split were really crappy from her,her life now,didn't want me innit,so,well,there ya go......*shrugs*

[balon!]

Ive never been maried, but it seems that unless the seperation was mutually agreed on with no bad feelings, like my Mom and my Godfather, it doesnt really make sense to be that concerned for the second party. Unless your still close friends.