Celibacy and asexuality

[Creator]

It seems to me that being 'on ones own' is different than being celibate or asexual. I would personally find it difficult not to have someone I could 'connect' with and share. Someone (or more than one) I can be close to and share an intimacy that is ... sounds cliche'ish but -- transcendent. While I feel that physical relationships can intensify the intimacy, they are not necessarily a pre-requisite. And with certain close friendships, not relevant.

Do you eschew intimacy as well?

.... My second boyfriend defined intimacy, quite sincerely, as leaving the bathroom door open. ....

.... my first boyfriend and I remained pals for years after the acute phase ended and were even roomies for a while. We'd walk in on each other bathing or showering and think nothing of it. We also liked all the same stuff - we had jokes only we understood, we could finish each other's thoughts, we had banter. So that was pretty intimate - yet sex wasn't in the equation during our most comfortable, I-know-you-like-I-know-me period.

But as for the now: is intimacy defined as having somebody you can tell any secret to? Is it having someone in your life who absolutely has your back? Is it a matter of trust? If it is, I have intimacy.

If intimacy is defined as having someone at my side 24/7, then no, I don't have intimacy. And I couldn't stand it if I did.

....

Your second boyfriend sounds weird!!

Your first boyfriend sounds cool!

You seem to have intimacy down well!!

And noone wants to be with someone 7x24!! ya need some space!

Sounds like you have it together!! But women have it easier than men there! I read a study that says chocolate stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brains of women that sex does. So perhaps men are just substitutes for a good dark chocolate!!



[Tho I personally hope not!! ]

[Creator]

Someone (or more than one) I can be close to and share an intimacy

More than one at a time aye? Legend.

I'll never tell!!

[duchess of malfi]

If someone wants to be celibate and is...that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that at all. if someone wants to be celibate and isn't, that's also perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that, either. I do not see any reason to point fingers at anyone for either thing, or anything in between as long as it is not hurting anyone else (and if one person in a relationship such as a marriage deliberately withholds sex to manipulate the other person, that can and does cause harm).

The problems seem to happen when two people cross paths/have a relationship where one person has a much stronger sexual drive/craving than the other.

[jwaneeta]

The problems seem to happen when two people cross paths/have a relationship where one person has a much stronger sexual drive/craving than the other.

Wow, ain't that the truth!

Heh, this reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite saints, the holy yet perfectly sane and amiable Francis de Sales. One of his directees had written him an extremely delicate letter about an importunate spouse. His reply was: well, you know, you don't have to be starving to keep somebody company when they eat.

That said, when something so vital becomes an endless chore for half the party, the writing is on the wall.

people are so hell bent on conformity. just drives me insane.

Exactly. I think that's what got me so het up about that Outsiders show. They were lumping the poor inoffensive asexuals in with White Power freaks -- people who have done documented harm both to individuals and society -- and quizzing "experts" about what could possibly have made them go so wrong.

God, they're just different. Why is that such a threat?

[duchess of malfi]

They're not a threat. That's just plain silly.

The thing is, when one partner has a low or nonexistent sex drive and the other a high one - there is not really a way to compromise on that. One person either has to do something he or she doesn't really get into, or the other has to give up something he or she really needs. And that is when resentment builds up on both sides.

As someone who has been in a marriage with this problem for more than twenty years now -- the only thing I have to say to anyone in a relationship who is thinking about getting married -- whatever you have right now is probably as good as it gets. If the sex drives are really incompatable now, it will only get worse in time. If this is an issue now, before marriage - it will only become worse. Both you and your partner really need to talk and think about about this issue now!!! If your partner isn't into sex now, they will not magically get into sex because there has been a big ceremony and a ring placed on his/her finger. If your partner is always asking you for sex, and you just don't feel the need for it - that partner's needs will not become less over time, and in fact, they can build up a lot of resentment towards their needs not being met.

As with all things human - there is a spectrum of sex drives. Ideally, two people on about the same spot on the bell curve will become partners. But it can get really frustrating and ugly for both people if they are on different ends of that spectrum.

[jwaneeta]

I read a study that says chocolate stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brains of women that sex does.

Not this woman. I've heard that thing about chocolate and females, but I'm just going to have to take it on faith, as neither I nor any friend I know would put chocolate in the same universe as great sex.

I think Cadbury must have commisioned that famous study.

[Creator]

I read a study that says chocolate stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brains of women that sex does.

Not this woman. I've heard that thing about chocolate and females, but I'm just going to have to take it on faith, as neither I nor any friend I know would put chocolate in the same universe as great sex.

I think Cadbury must have commisioned that famous study.

Now for me ... Jamoca Fudge Almond Ice Cream Hot Fudge Sundaes!! *drools* almost ... not quiet ... but almost ...

[Avatar]

Excellent posts people. And some thought provoking ones.

Ya know, my personal take on this is very simple. "Whatever makes you happy."

Damn everybody else.

--A

[duchess of malfi]

Now, now. Have you ever tried ghirardelli dark chocolate squares??? Or freshly baked chocolate chip cookies made with ghirardelli chocolate chips, right out of the oven???

[Baradakas]

Oh, God, stop!!! Drooling is SO undignified!

However, I agree with Av, if it makes you happy, and does not cause harm to anyone else, I say go for it.

-B

[Prebe]

It was Selma who took a vow of celibacy. Patty more or less had celibacy thrust upon her.

Joke aside, I really like the "bad things happen when two people with different sex-drives get together" theory.

[SoulQuest1970]

I can honestly say that I have been abstaining for *gasp* almost 6 years now. This is not some big moral reason... at least not by society's standards. Basically I am entirely too sensible for my own good. First of all I have some trust issues. I have to know the guy at least likes me for who I am... not what I look like, what I am or do, but for who I really am. I've nearly been with this guy, but he makes fun of my spiritual beliefs. He thinks he is just being funny about something that unsettles him. This is not cool. So nothing gonna happen there. Yes, I have only been with one guy and he is father to my 3 kids. I will say this... in 7 years, 2.5 of which I was on birth control, I had 3 kids and 2 miscarriages. I'm not dead, I do want it, I will have it eventually and the guy better have stamina!

[Creator]

.... I do want it, I will have it eventually and the guy better have stamina!

Whooooo Hooooooo - go Girl! go!! (eventually!)

[Foamfollower1013]

Exactly. I think that's what got me so het up about that Outsiders show. They were lumping the poor inoffensive asexuals in with White Power freaks -- people who have done documented harm both to individuals and society -- and quizzing "experts" about what could possibly have made them go so wrong.

God, they're just different. Why is that such a threat?

Being asexual does not mean that there is something wrong with you, or that you are deficient or "broken" in some way. Asexuality just means you don't experience sexual attraction to other people. I know that for some people it's hard to imagine not feeling sexual attraction to anyone at all, but think of it this way: Everyone has some people that they're not sexually attracted to - most straight people, for example, are not attracted to people of the same sex. For asexuals, this lack of attraction just happens to extend to all people.

I don't understand why people like this "expert" find asexuality so threatening.

And the "How can you know you don't like it unless you've tried it?" line is just stupid. How do straight people know they don't want to have sex with people of the same sex, unless they've tried it?

If anyone's interested, here's a good website about asexuality - pretty much the definitive website about asexuality, as far as I can tell. They have an excellent FAQ section, among other things.

Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)

~Foamy~

[Creator]

Welcome back Foamy ... as you are finding ... there is soooooo much cool posting to get into!!

[Holsety]

I don't understand why people like this "expert" find asexuality so threatening.

I think that I'd find it "threatening" if every person on the earth was asexual.

Nah, in all seriousness, I don't get it either. Rather than being threatened, I'm impressed that people can grow up in a world where the highest form of intimacy is often thought of as 'making love' and realize what they need from other people, and not what the mythical "average" person needs.

[Cameraman Jenn]

I personally think that sex and intimacy are two different things. Yes, they can easily go hand in hand but intimacy to me is knowing a person well and feeling comfortable with sharing thoughts/ideas/secrets/caring etc. Sex can be just sex. I also do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with abstinence OR asexuality. We are all different individuals with different wants and needs. That is what makes us unique and interesting and diverse and wonderful. I find that my intimacy needs are more than fulfilled by my amazing friends that I adore and whom adore me. Sex, I can take or leave it and since I prefer not to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life I am not in one. I will admit to having two wonderful flings in the past few years and I don't think that is wrong either. I would also like to add that my flings and I are still friends and we still talk regularly and therefore share a level of intimacy as well. Just yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with Dave about other girls at a party he went to and the horror of "what if female back hair was common." I often counsel Joe about women he is currently dating and life in general. My phone convos with Joe always end in "I love you," no matter which one of us says it first and we both mean it. However, we are not relationship material for one another and we are both cool with that. I have also been in two aborted committed relationships over the past few years too. Chris, who drove me crazy with his lack of decisiveness while dating me but who is now one of my closest friends and regular companions, and Noel, hot latino guy who drove me crazy with his immaturity. Ok, totally digressed there, I find that I am happier when NOT in a relationship. At least at this point in my life.

[Foamfollower1013]

I personally think that sex and intimacy are two different things. Yes, they can easily go hand in hand but intimacy to me is knowing a person well and feeling comfortable with sharing thoughts/ideas/secrets/caring etc. Sex can be just sex. I also do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with abstinence OR asexuality. We are all different individuals with different wants and needs. That is what makes us unique and interesting and diverse and wonderful. I find that my intimacy needs are more than fulfilled by my amazing friends that I adore and whom adore me. Sex, I can take or leave it and since I prefer not to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life I am not in one.

Agreed. Sex and intimacy are absolutely two different things. And it also bothers me that society tends to think of sex as the ultimate form of intimacy. It's not true at all. It's possible to have a relationship as intimate as a romantic relationship, with nothing remotely sexual about it - and with no need for anything sexual about it. Intimacy can be complete without sex.

~Foamy~

[Cameraman Jenn]

Agreed, one hundred percent. Most of my very intimate relations do NOT involve sex.

[Cail]

Due to my current family situation, and actually for a few months prior to the separation, I've been celibate. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I've lost my drive (in all actuality, it's back with a vengance since I quit drinking), but it's more like I don't need the complications that always seem to come along with it.