Joke de jeur or however that's spelled...

[Phantasm]

I know I'm supposed to be in bed now, but I coudn't resist.


The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor, there are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.**

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.*

[paradox]

It's John's wedding day and he's nervous as hell. His father comes to talk to him.

D: What are you worried about, son?

J: Dad, I have no idea what i'm going to do tonight...

D: Is that all? Well, all you need to do is put your hard body part inside where she pees... do you get me?

J: is it that simple? wow..

The next morning...

D: You look exhausted, son... did you take my advice?

J: Yes Dad, I almost drowned putting my head in the toilet.

[paradox]

A man was lost in the desert with only his camel. Although he had plenty of food and water, his main frustration was that he did not have a map or a companion.

He kept travelling around the desert in circles, hopelessly lost and horny. One day, he just couldn't take it anymore and decided to "make use" of the camel to "relieve" his frustrations.

However, everytime that he got behind the camel, the camel kept moving to evade him. And so, the man just gave up and continued to wander.

After a few days, he came upon a hot chick tied on top of an anthill. They had this conversation:

Girl: (Pleading) Please sir, can you help me out? Please untie me!!!

Man: (stroking beard) hmm.. and what would I get out of this deed?

Girl: (desperately, while trying to act seductive) I will do anything you want!!

Man: (nearly panting with lust) Anything?

Girl: Yes!!! Anything!!!

The man eagerly unties the lady and gives her a ride. After they have gone a few miles, he stops the camel and turns to her.

Man: You said you would do anything, right?

Girl: yes.... (noticing that the stranger was handsome and seductive in a lost idiot kind of way)

Man: anything (showing his horny side again)

Girl: (panting in anticipation with slight licking of lips) anything...

Man: Okay, you hold the camel while I get behind it.

badadum

[paradox]

Someone vandalized the white house by writing "BUSH SUCKS" in pee on the wall.

GEorge bush, wanting to get to the bottom of thew situation, ordered an immediate investigation. The investigator came back to him:

I: sir, we have some good news, some bad news and worse news. Which one do you want first?

B: Give me the good news.

I: well, we have found the perpetrator.

B: who is it?

I: that's the bad news, the analysis of the urine revealed that it was the vice president.

B: Damn. Hit me with the worst news.

I: The handwriting was your wife's.

Badaboom

[paradox]

The pope was holding audience in the vatican and was surprised to learn that the seven dwarves were there to see him.

"what is it my sons?" the Pope asked. Dopey approached the pope and asked this question,"your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in rome?"

After thinking for a minute, the pope answered: "why no, there are no dwarf nuns in rome."

At this, the six dwarves started to giggle. Dopey glared at them but turned back to the pope and asked, "Are there any dwarf nuns in all of europe?"

the pope thought deeply again and then answered with a "No."

The rest of the dwarfs started to laugh uncontrollably at this. Turning red, Dopey took control of his anger while he asked, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

Sighing, the pope answered: "no, my son. There are no dwarf nuns in the world."

At this the laughter of the six dwarves grew hysterical. They laughed and screamed "Dopey screwed a penguin!!!!"

LOL

[paradox]

Superman was flying around the world when he decided to pay a visit to his good friend, WonderWoman.

As he was about to go down into her flat, he noticed that she was in the rooftop, sunbathing in the nude.

Of course, Superman was a man, and he wanted a piece of that action. He thought to himself: "If I use my SuperSpeed, I can do her in the speed of light and shew won't know what hit her."

So, Superman flew down and screwed Wonderwoman in less than a second.

After that instant, Wonderwoman suddenly raised her head and asked "what the hell was that?"

Invisible man spoke: "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell"

[Vain]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[danlo]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could
be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to
the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked
him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she
missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door
shot himself."

[stonemaybe]

My fave joke this week.....

What's the best time to go to the dentist?


2.30

[Reave the Unjust]

Nice one!

It actually took me two and a half seconds to get it

I'm allowed to do this one as I'm a bit Irish:

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over
and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere
little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the
box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains
of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis
budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then
throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and
says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears.He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the
cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks
his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and
now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Sorry for the stereotypicalisationalism, but I found it amusing!

[Elfgirl]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

[drew]

My favorite joke that my Dad used to tell:

So a Termite walks into a pub, and asks, "Where's the Bar Tender?"


This is the joke I usually tell when put on the spot:

Q-How can you tell if a woman's had an orgasm?

A-

Spoiler

Who cares?

[Loredoctor]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dXBC6R_rxk

[Xar]

Ok, here's a couple of jokes I remember from my childhood... I don't guarantee anything, but it can't be worse than the red chili joke

A man falls from the top of a building several stories tall... another man is passing by and watches the whole scene in horror. The first man falls, falls, falls... then he inexplicably bounces off the sidewalk, bounces again, and finally lands, unhurt. While he's standing up an dusting himself off the second man goes to him and asks, "How on Earth did you do that?!"
The first man smiles and says "It's very simple... while you're falling, you just start telling yourself you're a ball, and you'll bounce just like a ball when you hit the ground."
The second man is impressed, climbs up a skyscraper and decides to try the technique by himself. He takes a deep breath and jumps; as he falls, he closes his eyes and he begins to tell himself, "I'm a ball... I'm a ball... I'm a ball..."
Then suddenly he is hit by a doubt.
"What if I were a tomato?"
SPLORTCH!

And the second:

Spoiler

A famous, if eccentric scientist has agreed to take part in a congress and to demonstrate his latest discovery. A large audience gathers around the table where he intends to do so; the scientist looks around, holds up a small vial with a cockroach in it, and says: "Mit zis experiment, I vill demonstrate mein greatest discofery!"
He opens the vial, allowing the cockroach to get onto the table. "Mein cockroach vas trained fur der experiment. Vatch." He looks at the cockroach and says, "Jump!"
The cockroach obediently jumps.
The scientist grins, picks the cockroach up and takes away two of its legs, then he puts it back on the table and says, "Jump!" and the cockroach jumps.
"As you can see, ze cockroach can still jump vithout zwei legs."
Then he picks up the cockroach again, takes away two of its legs, puts it back on the table and says, "Jump!" and the cockroach jumps a little.
"As you can see, ze cockroach can still jump vithout vier legs."
He picks up the cockroach, removes the last two legs, puts it back on the table and says, "Jump!". The cockroach doesn't move. The scientist smiles triumphantly and looks at the crowd.
"As you can see, vithout all its legs, ze cockroach becomes deaf!"

[Elfgirl]

last laugh - it's Friday afternoon - BEER O'CLOCK...

THE DIVORCE LETTER..............

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed:
Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[danlo]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this..... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

[Vain]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'

[Tulizar]

Heh-heh. Great jokes. If only I could memorize them all!!


Michael Jackson was spotted at K-mart last week.




He heard boys pants were half off.

[danlo]

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work, particularly which types of patients they’d had the best experiences with.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”

[Bill Assumpcao]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

(On the PA system) 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'