Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[Furls Fire]

huggles Sky! I did not realize that is when you lost her. I hope what I said didn't come off as insensitive. I honestly didn't know

Your experience involving Trev's aunt is extraordinary. I love hearing about stuff like this, it affirms my belief in our spirits living on after us and visiting those still here. I dream of Steve all the time. And feel him around me everywhere I go. So I know he still lives beyond this life.

I have never let "nay-sayers" shake my beliefs, just as I have never tried to impose my beliefs on others. I feel badly tho for those who do not believe, I feel they are missing something beautiful and peaceful. And that is a sad thing.

I love that quote!

[Skyweir]

huggles Sky! I did not realize that is when you lost her. I hope what I said didn't come off as insensitive.

not at all

I love that quote!

and i did quote it incorrectly .. its supposed to be ..

"we are not mortal beings having a spiritual experience .. we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience" <hope it hasnt spoiled the meaning of the quote lol> duh!

lol .. I like this quote too and even more cited correctly LOL

[Furls Fire]

excellent! love it!!

[Fist and Faith]

I know some would think these are just plattitudes we tell ourselves to feel the comfort of such pleasing concepts .. but regardless of what 'Fist' may think

Hey! Why I outta...

"we are not mortal beings having a spiritual experience .. we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience"

Yoda said - "Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter."

[Skyweir]

I know some would think these are just plattitudes we tell ourselves to feel the comfort of such pleasing concepts .. but regardless of what 'Fist' may think

Hey! Why I outta...

... mmm .. the plagerism radar is telling me a misquote is afoot

for if indeed .. i had said such a thing lol .. i would have structured it something like this .. but regardless of what that heathen 'Fist' may think LOL

and no i am not pointing fingers .. just acknowledging that there are 'some' who would balk at the suggestion of such things as a spiritual existence .. clearly you are not one of them .. well not at least from what your posts attest

and I am not saying that to be without a spiritual perspective is bad .. just that living as we do .. our daily lives in this mortal, physical, solid and material world .. seeing anything else isn't that easy .. and to some just out right impractical.

[Fist and Faith]

You know I love to give you grief, Sky.

I've tried to make posts here that I hope reflect Stephen's beliefs, or at least things that might interest him, in an attempt to help Fire honor his memory. But this is a different kind of thread than most at the Watch, and I'm not going to change the nature of it by getting into what I think, feel, and believe. Though I do believe differently, I still, as a human being, feel some of the same things as most others, and can post about it.

Your story about Aunty Verna brings up the idea of our self-image. It would seem that she always pictured herself as she had been at one point in her life. Very interesting that what the world sees of us can be so different from how we feel about ourselves. Of course, both views are right. We can hardly be considered to have objective views of ourselves. Verna only looked like that for a brief part of her life, and the outsider's view of her is more accurate.

OTOH, nobody else can possibly know us as well as we know ourselves. Only she could have known which part of her life was most important to her, and for what reasons. Maybe that time was more who she really was than any other time, and so her physical appearance should reflect it.

[Furls Fire]

Oh, I am just loving this! These conversations is what I was hoping Stephen's entries and poems would create. He would have loved this, he really would. We would talk for hours on end about such things. Spirituality, life, the end of it, the beginning of it. He was always trying to find answers to so many unanswerable questions.

His beliefs, and mine too for that matter, helped him make sense, make peace, with his illness and what it meant to his life here. His belief in God, no wait wrong word, his faith in God is what kept him from being bitter about his illness. He held no blame, no anger, no outrage, and he never asked "why me?" He just accepted it. Yes, there were times, many times, when he sank into depression over it, cried about it, asked how he was to endure anymore. It was those times when he would recite the prayer poem "Footprints" over and over.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
he noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that at the worst times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.
How could you leave me when I needed you the most?"

The Lord replied " My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of suffering and when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Like I have stated before, I would never try to sway people's beliefs. What am I trying to do is convey Stephen's. Because, his beliefs, his faith is who he was. And he was beautiful. I thank God for him every day of my life.

[Stephen C]

March 5, 2000 10:38pm

Oh what a blessed day! Tracie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 2:11pm. And by the grace of our Lord I was there to bare witness. How radiant she is, how miraculous! Prefect in every way. So tiny, so innocent. Precious gift. Chelsea Grace, we celebrate your coming!

How I wish I were able to watch you grow. These words and journals will be in your mother’s possession after I pass from this life into the next. This I say to you.

Breath of life inhaled, a fanfare of angel-song
proclaims your coming, the beginning moments of you.
God’s gracious gift. How precious you are!
my soul rejoices, carols its welcome to yours,
my heart dances to your sweet music.
you hold all the secrets within you.
light of Heaven aglow with the nimbus
of joy you evoke to enshroud us,
affirm us, bring us hope.

Oh, sweet Chelsea Grace, there in your mother’s arms. What message would you tell if able? Such wisdom in innocence, such peace. I pray your odyssey through this life to be blessed, as you, yourself bless us. May you find love and light, health and gladness, beauty and faith. Beloved baby girl, I hope with all my heart that your dark times will be few, I hope you never suffer the pains this life can bring. You and your brothers and sisters are the closest I will come to children of my own. How dear you are to me. I hope you know as you grow that your Uncle Steve loved you with all his heart and soul, and will be watching over you from Heaven.

[Fist and Faith]

Stephen said he was taken to that house many many times after that first night. Usually in his dreams, but also, like you Sky, in his comas. He used to say that when his passing came, it would be his home. There is no doubt in my mind that his spirit resides now in that little house from his dreams.

He drew pictures of it, and he collected art of cottages and small houses, lots of Thomas Kincaid and other artists. He was an art curator so he had quite a few. After his passing, we auctioned most of them off, per his wishes, and donated the money to AIDS research. I kept a few of the special ones and have them hanging on my walls. And when I look at them, I think of him living inside one of them in peace.

Do you have his own drawings of the cottage? I'd love to see any of those that you might have.

Have either of you ever watched the television show "Touched by an Angel"? This used to be Stephen's favorite show. His belief in God and Angels was very profound, and he always used to say that angels really did walk the Earth and that we all had a gaurdian angel at our sides at all times. I believe this too.

That show is a bit much for me, religiously speaking. I enjoyed Highway to Heaven more. But, to stay with Michael Landon, Charles Ingalls is my favorite deeply religious characters. One time they had some kind of berries for dessert. They couldn't make cobbler, because they didn't have flour. They didn't even have sugar to sprinkle on them. So he says something like, "Well, if the Lord was good enough to provide these berries, and Laura was good enough to pick them for us, let's eat them and enjoy them."

Another time, he was too sick to go to church. When Caroline and the girls came home, they saw him working in the fields. The look of "Oh man, mom's gonna kill him" on the girls' faces was great! So Caroline tells them to go inside, while she goes to yell at Charles. He told her that he didn't do this on purpose, that he felt better, and had to catch up because of the work he'd missed from being sick the day before. And he said, "God understand farmers"

And Fist, did you read his poem about the tower bells? I thought you would enjoy that one, because of the Magi

Yes, I did. I especially love these lines:
Holding eternity for an instant
Glimpses, glimpses—for one pure second

I love that kind of thinking!


Tangent- The tower bells brings to mind a song called In Liverpool by Suzanne Vega. The chorus is:

The boy in the belfrey he's crazy,
he's throwing himself down from the top of the tower.
Like a hunchback in heaven he's ringing
the bells in the church for the last half an hour.
He sounds like he's missing something
or someone that he knows he
can't
have
now.
And if he isn't, I certainly am.

[Furls Fire]

Fist wrote

Do you have his own drawings of the cottage? I'd love to see any of those that you might have.

Oh yes!! I have all of them! I will try to scan them in. They are only pencil drawings, so hopefully they scan well. I'll try to do that within the next day or so.

Fist also wrote

That show is a bit much for me, religiously speaking. I enjoyed Highway to Heaven more. But, to stay with Michael Landon, Charles Ingalls is my favorite deeply religious characters. One time they had some kind of berries for dessert. They couldn't make cobbler, because they didn't have flour. They didn't even have sugar to sprinkle on them. So he says something like, "Well, if the Lord was good enough to provide these berries, and Laura was good enough to pick them for us, let's eat them and enjoy them."

Another time, he was too sick to go to church. When Caroline and the girls came home, they saw him working in the fields. The look of "Oh man, mom's gonna kill him" on the girls' faces was great! So Caroline tells them to go inside, while she goes to yell at Charles. He told her that he didn't do this on purpose, that he felt better, and had to catch up because of the work he'd missed from being sick the day before. And he said, "God understand farmers"

OH we loved Highway to Heaven too!! I remember when Michael Landon passed away Steve said, "Well, now he can do it for real. Walk among us and help those who need it. Who knows, maybe I'll meet him someday. If not here in this life, then possibly in the next."

We grew up on Little House too. They show repeats of that on the Hallmark channel and my kids love it. I especially love the episode called "Remember Me" with Patricia Neal as a woman who dies of a terminal illness, leaving her three children behind for Charles to find a home for. She writes a poem to be read at her funeral...Stephen just loved that little poem:

Remember me with smiles and laughter
for that is how I'll remember you
if you can only remember me with tears
then don't remember me at all...

Short, but oh so true. This is how he wanted to be remembered as well.

Fist wrote this too

Furls Fire wrote:
And Fist, did you read his poem about the tower bells? I thought you would enjoy that one, because of the Magi

Yes, I did. I especially love these lines:
Holding eternity for an instant
Glimpses, glimpses—for one pure second

I love that kind of thinking!


Tangent- The tower bells brings to mind a song called In Liverpool by Suzanne Vega. The chorus is:

The boy in the belfrey he's crazy,
he's throwing himself down from the top of the tower.
Like a hunchback in heaven he's ringing
the bells in the church for the last half an hour.
He sounds like he's missing something
or someone that he knows he
can't
have
now.
And if he isn't, I certainly am

THAT is AWESOME!!! I want to hear the rest of the song!! Oh wow, I've never heard that before. That's incredible. I just love that!

[Fist and Faith]

The album is 99.9F, and it's a good album.

Nice poem from LHOTP. (heh) (And no episode was complete without somebody dying, eh? Same criteria for any movie on the Lifetime channel. ) Somewhere in the waaaaay back of my memory, I think I've heard another poem similar to it. Maybe it was just a bit of dialog. But the emphasis was along the lines that, if my memory only brings tears, then I did a poor job of living.

[Furls Fire]

I'll have to look for that album, I want to hear that song. I love that chorus.

[Fist and Faith]

Now that I'm not passing out from exhaustion, here's some quotes that go along with these two lines of Stephen's:

Holding eternity for an instant
...
Glimpses, glimpses—for one pure second

I have a thread for this topic at the Hangar.

A day, whether six or seven ago, or more than six thousand years ago, is just as near to the present as yesterday. Why? Because all time is contained in the present Now-moment.

To talk about the world as being made by God tomorrow, or yesterday, would be talking nonsense. God makes the world and all things in this present Now. Time gone a thousand years ago is now as present and as near to God as this very instant.

-Johannes Eckehart, Mongol Century Horologe (From Neverness)

The dreamtime was now, the shall-be and always-was. The dreamtime occurred in the Now-moment, the true time in which the world was forever created anew. (The Broken God)

"Look around you. All this. Mars, too. The stars. Everything. You and me and everybody. Did the Old Ones tell you who made it?"

Mike looked puzzled. "No, Jubal."

"Well, have you wondered? Where did the Sun come from? Who put the stars in the sky? Who started it? All, everything, the whole world, the Universe...so that you and I are here talking. How do your Old Ones answer such questions?"

"Jubal, I do not grok...that these are 'questions.' I am sorry."

"Eh? I don't grok your answer."

Mike hesitated. "I will try. But words are...are not...rightly. Not 'putting.' Not 'mading.' A nowing. World is. World was. World shall be. Now.

"'As it was in the beginning, so it is now and ever shall be, World without end-'"

Mike smiled happily. "You grok it!" (Stranger in a Strange Land)

And Syl added this one from Ikkyu, who he's quoted often, and sounds like somebody I MUST read!

I didn't see one thing on my trip
But I breathed and whatever I breathed was time

[Furls Fire]

WOW!! I have to read these books!! What awesome writing that is!!

Stephen would have loved that too. Time and Space and Universe and Creation were all things he pondered over and questioned endlessly. He would have loved those quotes you posted Fist. How the present and the past and the future were all one in the same. That time wasn't linear but a circle that looped and followed itself around.

I'll find some more of his entries about this subject and post them.

I HAVE TO READ THOSE BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[Syl]]

Actually, Fist, I've decided I need to transcribe my Ikkyu book (considering how often I use it). If you want, I can send you a copy when I'm done.

[Stephen C]

February 11, 1996 3:33am

Sleep eludes me this early morning. My dreams are of disorder, confusion. Like my past and present are colliding, exploding into fragments of broken time. The accident plays over and over behind my closed eyes. Its grand performance, slow motion, fast motion, stilled in time. Nights like this one bring me out under the stars. My apartment tomb-like, suffocating. I find myself musing about Time and Universe and World. How one moment latches on and consumes your mind, executing it’s right to exist again and again. It’s the material madness is made of. The stars help with their blinking of peace. This moment, at least, is still.

I come to the place where
all the impediments of time are
bared before the world
as if they were miracles intended
to disrupt this moment’s purity.
this moment, which will die before last breath,
before its purpose realized, before itself knows.

The world knows.
it spins and winds in its nexus
A locus of pulse and power, bound
or harnessed in time’s garth.
I come here to its eye, engulfed
in the maelstrom of its now, its when, its was.
gathering together my lost instances as though
they were shards of stars gyrating
in the riot of eternity.

--Stephen C. McKinney

[ShadowLurker]

Furls Fire, have you considered submitting some of your brother's poetry and "insights" for publication? He is very inspirational. An exceptional man. His acceptance and his perception of his illness is astounding. I read no bitterness or anger in his words. Just profound sadness. His spirituality and his faith come through resoundedly in his words. I was particularily moved by his entry concerning you. He clearly treasured you.

sorrow soaks my sister’s orbs
assails their cerulean depths,
brims the wellspring of her with my pain.
she pours herself over me, smiles out the grief.
In these moments, she becomes absolute.

she is earth mother, embodied beauty
her grace alone binds the threads of my thin
endurance to our souls, her soul.
she completes me, embraces me, instills in me
her sweet heart strength, her undying, unending love.

Oh my radiant sister!
how your brilliance blinds the seer!
do you know the way of your gleaming spirit, your ageless essence?
Oh how my battered self sinks into you, drowns in your shelter.
flower sister of mine, hum gently the way of you
so I might dream the dreams of illumination, and
disperse these nightmares in your serene glow.

--Stephen C. McKinney

Truly amazing words of love. You were his strength. This touched me beyond words. As you said, you were indeed blessed, as was he.

Thank you for sharing him.

[Furls Fire]

Shadow. His journals are precious to me, not sure I would want to send them anywhere. I am not sure he would want that. It's something to think about, he was an exceptional writer. At least, I think so, and I'm terribly predjudice when it comes to him.

And you are right about how he viewed himself and his illness. AIDS is truly devastating. I watched this strong, laughing, loving young man become a feeble, skeletal shell. Toward the end, he was almost unrecognizable, except for that wonderful, sweet, endearing smile of his. He passed with that smile on his face.

If you look in the album, under the motely crew forum, you will see a pic of him before he got really sick. Our sister is with him.

thank you for your kind words of him.

[Fist and Faith]

he was an exceptional writer. At least, I think so, and I'm terribly predjudice when it comes to him.

Well you'd never know it from your posts!

I would have thought he might have been happy to have them published, with the proceeds going to AIDS research. But I guess the pictures you auctioned off were not originals of his, so there is certainly a big difference. But if you did go for it, the world would sit back in wonder.

[Furls Fire]

Well, if I ever decided to do that, the proceeds would definitely go to AIDS research.

Actually, I'm an active member in AmFAR and will soon be knee deep in our state's part in World AIDS Day coming up next month. Stephen also has a patch on the AIDS quilt from 2001. The money we recieved from selling alot of his collected art went to AmFAR. So, if any money was ever raised by his writing, or art, or even his music (he also wrote music). It would go there too.

Also, I feel compelled to say this. If you all feel that I am "pushing" him on you, please let me know and I will stop posting his journal entries. Just because I think the sun rose and fell with him, doesn't mean everyone else will.

peace,
Furls