No happy-go-lucky topic for me today.
My stepfather died on Tuesday. I'm glad.
Long story short, he married my mother in 1980 and was my primary male role model through most of my formative years. I never warmed up to him, and I never felt like he warmed up to me.
Nearly 3 years ago, he was arrested, charged, and convicted for child molestation. Neither he, nor my mother, nor my brother bothered to let me know about this, and my beautiful little Cailette was alone with him on numerous occasions. When I found out about him, I immediately ceased all contact with both him and my mother, and had to have a conversation that no father ever wants to have with his 10 year-old daughter. Cailette has said that nothing ever happened, but I'll always wonder.....
So now he's dead. I hope he burns in Hell for all eternity for what he did, and for what he put my daughter, my ex-wife, and I through.
And that's where I'm stuck, because I don't normally feel that way about anyone. I don't hate, and I really don't get angry much.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm expecting in the way of responses, and it may well be that I'm not really looking for them.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.
A conundrum
Moderator: Orlion
A conundrum
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
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"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
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_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
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"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
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dANdeLION
- Lord
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Wow. I have dealt with the same feelings about a cousin of mine who is still alive and apparently found Christ, but molested me (and my little brother) when I was 5 and he was 13. I have come a long way since then, but still I wonder why he's never bothered to apologize, even though I'd probably just spit on him, or punch him, or simply murder if I ever saw him face-to-face again. Still, hating a person doesn't really affect the hated person nearly as negatively as it affects the person doing the hating, so for your sake, I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive the stupid bastard.
Dandelion don't tell no lies
Dandelion will make you wise
Tell me if she laughs or cries
Blow away dandelion
I'm afraid there's no denying
I'm just a dandelion
a fate I don't deserve.
High priest of THOOOTP
*
* This post carries Jay's seal of approval
Dandelion will make you wise
Tell me if she laughs or cries
Blow away dandelion
I'm afraid there's no denying
I'm just a dandelion
a fate I don't deserve.
High priest of THOOOTP
* * This post carries Jay's seal of approval
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A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)
Cail,
My mother married a troll in 1977 after she and my father (adoptive, btw) divorced in 1975.
He was an abusive, shit-fried, Rush-Limbaugh loving ( think of every unsavory cliche that defines Rush for good, ill, or indifferent) , drink-soaked mysoginist whose capacity for chilling deceit was equalled ONLY by his penchant for dishing out verbal (and sometimes to my mother) physical abuse. I was always suspicous of his feelings towrds kids too, for reasons I'd rather not discuss here.
He died 3 years ago of complications of a stroke he suffered a couple of years prior. When he died, I felt nothing save for a sense of relief that the devil finally had some new thing to tourture, and wistful sadness that my Mother actually took care of him (choosing I suppose him over my young family) for those may years.
Long and short: I understand your feelings here, man, as I lived something similar. It IS weird to discover that you do not have the capacity to feel ANYTHING positive for someone that affected your life... that your chief emotions for someone that was part of your family and development are distrust, disdain and apathy.
But there is something POSITIVE here Cail...or Zapp... he's dead, and will not have ANY chance of having any influence on you or the Cailette. The chapter is closed and now maybe you can (in time) mend your relations with your Mother.
Thanks for sharing, man...and if you want to discuss anything more...feel free to PM me.
My mother married a troll in 1977 after she and my father (adoptive, btw) divorced in 1975.
He was an abusive, shit-fried, Rush-Limbaugh loving ( think of every unsavory cliche that defines Rush for good, ill, or indifferent) , drink-soaked mysoginist whose capacity for chilling deceit was equalled ONLY by his penchant for dishing out verbal (and sometimes to my mother) physical abuse. I was always suspicous of his feelings towrds kids too, for reasons I'd rather not discuss here.
He died 3 years ago of complications of a stroke he suffered a couple of years prior. When he died, I felt nothing save for a sense of relief that the devil finally had some new thing to tourture, and wistful sadness that my Mother actually took care of him (choosing I suppose him over my young family) for those may years.
Long and short: I understand your feelings here, man, as I lived something similar. It IS weird to discover that you do not have the capacity to feel ANYTHING positive for someone that affected your life... that your chief emotions for someone that was part of your family and development are distrust, disdain and apathy.
But there is something POSITIVE here Cail...or Zapp... he's dead, and will not have ANY chance of having any influence on you or the Cailette. The chapter is closed and now maybe you can (in time) mend your relations with your Mother.
Thanks for sharing, man...and if you want to discuss anything more...feel free to PM me.
Last edited by A Gunslinger on Fri Jan 18, 2008 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I use my gun whenever kindness fails"
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aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
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Thirded. 
My brother was (and still is) verbally and emotionally abusive. He's now primary caretaker for my mother (from two hours away). The situation makes me crazy, but there's nothing I can do about it: she won't move here and I am not about to move any closer to him.
Families are great, aren't they?
My brother was (and still is) verbally and emotionally abusive. He's now primary caretaker for my mother (from two hours away). The situation makes me crazy, but there's nothing I can do about it: she won't move here and I am not about to move any closer to him.
Families are great, aren't they?
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/
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onewyteduck
- The Gap Into Spam
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Cagliostro
- The Gap Into Spam
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- Location: Colorado
It's a hard thing to cheer at the death of another, but hell...if it is ever justified, these are the folks that it feels a bit better about. It's amazing how almost every family has one too. The more I learn about people, the more I'm coming to this conclusion.
One of my favorite uncles from when I was a kid I think might be one. The signs are there, and one of his kids accused him at one point, but there were circumstances that may not have been correct. However, from seeing him around her when she was a girl, it made me REAL uncomfortable. Still, last time I saw either of them, they were around each other and getting along fine, and this was a few years after the accusation.
One of my favorite uncles from when I was a kid I think might be one. The signs are there, and one of his kids accused him at one point, but there were circumstances that may not have been correct. However, from seeing him around her when she was a girl, it made me REAL uncomfortable. Still, last time I saw either of them, they were around each other and getting along fine, and this was a few years after the accusation.
Life is a waste of time
Time is a waste of life
So get wasted all of the time
And you'll have the time of your life
Maybe it's just my beliefs that hatred of another person is wrong, but I damn sure haven't cooled off about this a bit.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
“Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” --Henry RollinsZapp Brannigan wrote:Maybe it's just my beliefs that hatred of another person is wrong, but I damn sure haven't cooled off about this a bit.
That sums up how I feel.
Avatar wrote:But then, the answers provided by your imagination are not only sometimes best, but have the added advantage of being unable to be wrong.
Heh, nice quote.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
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Cameraman Jenn
- The Gap Into Spam
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- Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2006 11:33 pm
- Location: Albuquerque NM (The Land of Enchantment)
You have EVERY RIGHT to feel angry. Your trust was abused. This caused you to unknowingly put your precious daughter in a potentially harmful situation. I would be angry at all three, the stepfather, mother and brother. They all knowingly kept vital information from you. That is very uncool. However, on the Cailette side, I don't think Cailette would lie to you about such a thing so rest assured that he didn't touch her. If you are still worried, ask her now that he is dead. I'm sure her answer will be the same.
I echo what Guns said, if you need to talk further I am here to listen.
Hugs, Cail. Big huge HUGS.
I echo what Guns said, if you need to talk further I am here to listen.
Hugs, Cail. Big huge HUGS.
Now if I could just find a way to wear live bees as jewelry all the time.....
www.fantasybedtimehour.com
www.fantasybedtimehour.com
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Avatar
- Immanentizing The Eschaton
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Damn well said dAN. Still, you don't have to forgive the person...just stop wasting your time hating them. *shrug*Clouseau wrote:Still, hating a person doesn't really affect the hated person nearly as negatively as it affects the person doing the hating...
Anyway, yeah, I wouldn't worry about it Cail...and he's dead. Not like you can even get any satisfaction. Still, one of the few reasons I sometimes wish there was a god was so there'd be a little justice. *sigh*
--A
so the cunundrum is what to do with your anger?
if so...then you should find an actual live human being to talk to about it.
if you keep the anger in, it'll just leak out eventually and sometimes in
places you don't mean it to.
you're catholic, right? i'd suggest a priest, if there's one that you
know well enough to confide in. i don't mean like confession tho
that's a good idea to.
but a priest that you're friends with.
i had a thing that i'd done when i was younger that bugged me for
years and years but i just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about
it, not even my "shrink" who i adored and felt very comfortable with.
i was too ashamed.
but i had a good friend who was in the process of becoming a catholic
priest. so i asked him if, even tho i was not catholic, i could go to confession. i was thinking, at the time, i might be able to get it off
my chest if i confessed to a priest in a box, someone i couldn't see,
a stranger.
in talking with my friend about it i finally came clean with him.
told him about the thing. and he had some wonderful things to
say to me about the act of confession and about forgiving one's
self for those kinds of things. it helped me enormously to get
past that thing.
so...if you didn't want to find a psychologist or counselor about it,
or just a RL friend, you might want to check into talking to a priest.
best wishes for a resolution for you.
if so...then you should find an actual live human being to talk to about it.
if you keep the anger in, it'll just leak out eventually and sometimes in
places you don't mean it to.
you're catholic, right? i'd suggest a priest, if there's one that you
know well enough to confide in. i don't mean like confession tho
that's a good idea to.
but a priest that you're friends with.
i had a thing that i'd done when i was younger that bugged me for
years and years but i just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about
it, not even my "shrink" who i adored and felt very comfortable with.
i was too ashamed.
but i had a good friend who was in the process of becoming a catholic
priest. so i asked him if, even tho i was not catholic, i could go to confession. i was thinking, at the time, i might be able to get it off
my chest if i confessed to a priest in a box, someone i couldn't see,
a stranger.
in talking with my friend about it i finally came clean with him.
told him about the thing. and he had some wonderful things to
say to me about the act of confession and about forgiving one's
self for those kinds of things. it helped me enormously to get
past that thing.
so...if you didn't want to find a psychologist or counselor about it,
or just a RL friend, you might want to check into talking to a priest.
best wishes for a resolution for you.
you're more advanced than a cockroach,
have you ever tried explaining yourself
to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies
i've had this with actors before, on the set,
where they get upset about the [size of my]
trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer,
cause... i'm from Kentucky
and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio
a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~
have you ever tried explaining yourself
to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies
i've had this with actors before, on the set,
where they get upset about the [size of my]
trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer,
cause... i'm from Kentucky
and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio
a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~
I've spoken at length with several people in RL, and have gotten pretty much the same spectrum of replies I've gotten here.
Intellectually, I understand that my hatred and anger does absolutely no good at all. Viscerally, I want to crash the funeral tomorrow, pummel his corpse, sh*t on it, then burn it.
<sigh>
The path to enlightenment is festooned with challenges.
Intellectually, I understand that my hatred and anger does absolutely no good at all. Viscerally, I want to crash the funeral tomorrow, pummel his corpse, sh*t on it, then burn it.
<sigh>
The path to enlightenment is festooned with challenges.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
a) it totally is andZapp Brannigan wrote:The path to enlightenment is festooned with challenges.
b) i love the word "festooned"!!!
you're more advanced than a cockroach,
have you ever tried explaining yourself
to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies
i've had this with actors before, on the set,
where they get upset about the [size of my]
trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer,
cause... i'm from Kentucky
and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio
a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~
have you ever tried explaining yourself
to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies
i've had this with actors before, on the set,
where they get upset about the [size of my]
trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer,
cause... i'm from Kentucky
and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio
a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~
-
Cameraman Jenn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 13280
- Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2006 11:33 pm
- Location: Albuquerque NM (The Land of Enchantment)
Excellent suggestion Lucimay. A priest can be a good and impartial listener. They can also give sound advice on how to deal with your feelings and how to let go of the bad and let in the good.
Now if I could just find a way to wear live bees as jewelry all the time.....
www.fantasybedtimehour.com
www.fantasybedtimehour.com