Funny, non insulting religious humor

[High Lord Tolkien]

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.


He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.






He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tripped & fell on the ground.



He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.







At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was totally silent.

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others that I don't exist, and you even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count on you as a believer"?


The atheist looked directly into the light.
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now.........
but perhaps you could make this Bear a Christian instead?


"Very Well," said the voice.


Then the light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.



And as the bear dropped his right paw, he brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:







"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through you. Amen"

[Holsety]

Hah, that is a great picture.

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

[The Laughing Man]

edit

[sgt.null]

not sure that is what they meant by non insulting esmer.

[Holsety]

edit

Now I want to see it...

[Mortice Root]

A group of engineers were discussing the nature of God, and, having decided that God was an engineer Himself, they proceeded to attempt to define what type of engineer He was.

"Well, obviously He's a mechanical engineer" said the first. "I mean, look at the human body. Only a mechanical engineer could have designed a system were the joints, tendons and muscle attach in that complex of a manner."

"Oh, I disagree" said the second. "He's clearly an electrical engineer. The heart, the neurons, everything in the body runs on electrical current. To desgin this He must have been an electrical engineer."

"Nope" says the third. "A chemical engineer. Everything in the human body runs on different chemical reactions. There's no way someone without a chemical engineering background could have designed it."

"You're all wrong" says the fourth. "He's a civil engineer."

"Huh? A civil engineer?" say the others.

"Yup. Who else would approve a design where the sewer system ran through the recreational facility?"

[High Lord Tolkien]

[Dromond]

A group of engineers were discussing the nature of God, and, having decided that God was an engineer Himself, they proceeded to attempt to define what type of engineer He was.

"Well, obviously He's a mechanical engineer" said the first. "I mean, look at the human body. Only a mechanical engineer could have designed a system were the joints, tendons and muscle attach in that complex of a manner."

"Oh, I disagree" said the second. "He's clearly an electrical engineer. The heart, the neurons, everything in the body runs on electrical current. To desgin this He must have been an electrical engineer."

"Nope" says the third. "A chemical engineer. Everything in the human body runs on different chemical reactions. There's no way someone without a chemical engineering background could have designed it."

"You're all wrong" says the fourth. "He's a civil engineer."

"Huh? A civil engineer?" say the others.

"Yup. Who else would approve a design where the sewer system ran through the recreational facility?"

Very Funny. I must insert a {HaHa} here... Seriously... (though that's the wrong way to say it) a good joke... what this thread is about ... I laughed my ass off! This is a good joke.

[Prebe]

A Franciscan munk, a cardinal and a rabbi are involved in a near fatal highway crash. They all leave the smoking wrecks of their cars, and proceed to pray and give thanks like never before.

After the talk comes the action, and the Franciscan munk brandishes a piece of chalk and draw a circle on the tarmac. He throws all of his worldly posessions into the air and waits for them to land.

The Cardinal and the rabbi eye him inquisitively: "Ah!" Says the Franciscan munk, "It is my way of offering a token of my gratitude without going broke: Whatever lands inside the circle remains my property, the rest will be offered at the next collection."

In the grip of a holy frenzy (not wanting to be regarded as stingy) the cardinal draws a (somewhat smaller) circle on the ground and likewise tosses all of his considerable belongings into the air. When they land he proceedes to stuff all the things outside the circle into his pockets again, and what landed inside the circle is carefully places in a small bag for collection.

The Franciscan munk looks mildly reproachfull, and shakes his head almost invisibly. The Cardinal looks the other way and whistles.

After looking at the show for about a minute the rabbi pulls a wad of 100$ bills from his wallet and throws them into the air. When they land he simply picks them all up and puts them back into his wallet.

After finishing the ritual he looks at the Franciscan munk and the cardinal, that both ask as in one indignant voice: "What? No circle?"

"Nah!" Says the Rabbi "To much trouble. I figure, if I throw my money into the air, what God wants he keeps."

[Menolly]

*hiding grin*

...yeah...that sounds like pilpul...

[High Lord Tolkien]

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."

[Prebe]

LOL!!

[High Lord Tolkien]

Ok, this one is an old one but always gives me a little chuckle when said as a toast at the dinner table around Easter.


Roses are reddish
Violets are blueish
If it wasn't for Easter
We'd all be Jewish.

[Prebe]

Yeah, and if it wasn't for Passover, I'd have everyone's ass over.

[rusmeister]

A Jewish rabbi, a Catholic priest and an Orthodox priest went fishing together. While they were fishing they drank wine from a small country store just across the river.
The bottle ran out, so the Orthodox priest volunteered to go get another. He crossed himself, and then stepped out onto the river and crossed the river and soon came back with a bottle.
The second bottle ran out, so the Catholic priest volunteered to go. He crossed himself, and stepped out onto the river. He soon came back with another bottle.
The third bottle ran out, and the rabbi sighed and said, "Well, I guess it's my turn." He stepped out onto the river and promptly fell in. The Catholic priest turned to the Orthodox priest and said, "I guess we should've told him about the stepping stones."
The Orthodox priest replied, "What stones?"

[Avatar]

--A

[High Lord Tolkien]

Something Atheists and Christians Can Agree On

[Prebe]

ROFL!

One of my (very sympathetic) colleagues is a scientologist. "Surprisingly normal, he is"

[dlbpharmd]

I love this thread!

[deer of the dawn]

This doesn't *exactly* qualify, but I just think it's funny.

A Catholic priest, an Islamic Mallam, and a Jewish Rabbi walk into a pub.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

(wonders if anyone will actually get it)