Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

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Furls Fire
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Post by Furls Fire »

Stephen came to me this morning, in the laundry room of all places, and whispered..."lay me down."

Now, I'm not exactly sure what he wants me to do, but knowing him as I do, I assume he means to start posting more entries. I can't seem to come up with anything else. So, I'll go thru them and begin posting again. Just wish I know which ones he wants...

We meet again the souls lost to us in life. And they are more than familiar, they embody the love and light of the Lord. That is Heaven. --Stephen
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Auleliel »

Furls Fire wrote: So, I'll go thru them and begin posting again.
I'm glad you made this post. A few months ago I saw a link for this thread in another thread but decided I didn't have enough time to read through 50-odd pages, however wondrous the few pages I did read were. I marked this page to receive notifications when there were more posts, and then life happened and I forgot about it until now. I spent most of this weekend reading this thread in its entirety, and it has touched me deeply during a time in which I am exploring my faith, doubts, world-view, etc. I keep noticing little parallels between Stephen's life and everything I see in the world and people around me. Thank you for sharing all of this with the world; it is still making a difference.
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Tracie, since you were in the laundry room, maybe you misheard. "Use more Downy" maybe?

:mrgreen:

Looks like you made the right decision, eh? Auleliel spoke up right away. Hi Auleliel. :wave:
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by Auleliel »

Fist and Faith wrote:Hi Auleliel. :wave:
Glad to (finally) be here. :)
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Post by Furls Fire »

*bops Fisty on the head*

smart aleck :)
Auleliel wrote:I'm glad you made this post. A few months ago I saw a link for this thread in another thread but decided I didn't have enough time to read through 50-odd pages, however wondrous the few pages I did read were. I marked this page to receive notifications when there were more posts, and then life happened and I forgot about it until now. I spent most of this weekend reading this thread in its entirety, and it has touched me deeply during a time in which I am exploring my faith, doubts, world-view, etc. I keep noticing little parallels between Stephen's life and everything I see in the world and people around me. Thank you for sharing all of this with the world; it is still making a difference.
Welcome to Stephen's thread Auleliel!!! :D :D

My brother usually lets me know when I need to start paying more attention to things. How wonderful it is that you should come here during this time of exploration. I hope Stephen's words and life help you find what it is you seek. He touched many people while he was here among us, and he still does now that he has passed on...look at Isaiah.

I haven't had much of a chance to go thru his journals, but I'll make time today. :) :)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by matrixman »

Welcome indeed, Auleliel, to this wonderful corner of KW! Glad you read through the whole thread, and that it moved you as the rest of us have been.

Had not been here myself in a while - I read the Thanksgiving entries just now. As always, Stephen put so much meaning into what he had to say - whether or not he was conscious of it.
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Post by Furls Fire »

Well, welcome back Neo!! :) :)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Furls Fire
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Post by Furls Fire »

Hey!! I was able to post a pic!!

Russ and me :-)

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/album_pic.php?pic_id=1860
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Auleliel
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Post by Auleliel »

You are a beautiful couple, inside and out. :)
"Persevera, per severa, per se vera." Persist through difficulties, even though it is hard.
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Post by Wyldewode »

I, too, wandered past today and decided to look in once again. It is said that to everything belongs a season. . . :)
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Post by Furls Fire »

Huggles to you both!! :D

As promised, I was able to type up another one. I spent a couple of hours this morning thumbing thru his journals, not sure which one to post. When I came across this next one, I felt a hand on mine, and I heard Stephen say, "that one." Of course, I asked "why that one?" And he simply said. "Because."

He knows better than I who needs it. So, here it is...

Grey days happen more often than naught...
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Stephen C »

October 3, 1998 11:24pm
Grey days happen more often than naught. I’ve passed by that place many times, coming and going, never really noticing how the greyness just lays along the sidewalk in front of it. But today, the sidewalk, the street, the other places, seemed more empty than usual. Even the Gallery was heavy in the grey. It was cold, the day, and damp. Rain threatened but never fell. And I passed by that place, passed by then paused. I heard something, a low moan, and felt the dampness creep up into me from under my coat. I stepped back toward the place and stared at it, seeing it for the first time. It oozed greyness, it groaned, as though it was too heavy to hold itself up.

“Who is in there?” I asked it. It didn’t respond, funny really, I actually thought, at that moment, that it would.

An overwhelming compulsion to go inside thrust me forward to the steps leading up to the door. The place loomed and seemed to grow, its greyness profound. I reached for the heavy door handle, the compulsion to enter was too intense to ignore. As I pushed hard and opened the door, the grey spilled out, rushed passed my feet like water released from a dam. I watched it for a long moment, stared at it as it dissipated. Its touch was like ice and I felt instantly ill. The door swung effortlessly after that, flinging itself wide open. I knew then that I had just released something I shouldn’t have. Regret washed over my like inertia. I heard it then, a slow moaning laugh. “I fooled you this time.” It chortled, in what I can only describe as evil mirth. “Yes.” I said back to it, near weeping. “You are weaker than I thought you would be.” Again, all I could say was yes. I vomited then, it was violent and chest wrenching. And the thing laughed at my back as I fled the place.

Now.

I am shamed. I am shamed and I am so angry at myself. Sweet Jesus Lord, how could I have been so foolish and cowardly? How could I have let such a thing happen? How could I, of all people, be so duped into releasing such evil? I should have KNOWN better! And it sickens me knowing I let it get the best of me, that I let it chase me away. I am such a fool. I failed you, Father.
I sing to life
and to it's tragic beauty
to pain and to strife
and all that dances thru me
the rise and the fall
i've lived thru it all...


To my brother, Steve, who held a grace and light beyond words, God bless. I love you --Tracie
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Post by Furls Fire »

I'm going to type up Oct 4 1998. It's very long, so it will take me a while.

Sometimes, Stephen just breaks my heart...
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Stephen C »

October 4, 1998 10:12 pm

The way of worlds baffles me. My existence goes beyond my understanding. I, at times, feel pulled between them, and being in neither, yet being in both at once, I am inadequate. The evil courses through my physical self and my ethereal self. I’ve been in pain today. And I feel alone. Completely alone. I don’t know where You are, Father.

The rain came today. A drowning deluge that pounded against the doors, windows, roofs of the city. I walked the streets in it, letting it soak into me. Seeping into my very marrow, and still I didn’t feel renewed. I became less and less of me.

A song began to run through my head, my ears full of it…

Oh, Life…
is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream, dream, dream…


I moved along, stiff, wet, no, not just wet, drenched and cold. Cold, the song sang itself in my head and my feet thumped to its beat. And I realized then that I could not feel You. I felt myself separate, move away and I became less of me. I moved along the streets, they were peopleless, the downpour had kept them inside. I was the only fool walking them today. Walking, with no destination, just walking. Searching, for You. Why couldn’t I feel You?

The church emerged in front of me, yet I felt myself going slower, but not slow, fast, in two different spaces, two different forms of me. Were You in there?

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing…


The doors were open, wide open, defying the wet, the rain, the cold. I went through them and the absence of the downpour left me breathless. I came to myself then, full awake, full of me. Yet, I was empty. I tipped my fingers into the Holy Water, and they burned. I signed myself and said out loud, “In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.” My voice blew the song apart and it went quiet. My mind clear. I stood in the back and let my eyes fall fully on the hanging crucifix. You looked back at me, but I still didn’t feel You. And my thoughts reverted to yesterday, and my shame assailed me once more. I fell then to my knees, right there in the back of church, and stared up at You.

“Forgive me, Jesus. Please”

A hand on my shoulder roused me and I started. The priest smiled down at me. He was kind faced. I got back to my feet. “I failed Him.” I said then.

“In what way?”

“In every way, and now I do not feel Him. He has gone.”

“No, He does not leave us. You are just letting your guilt get in the way. Would you like me to hear your confession?”

“I was going to become a priest. It was what I wanted to do when I was a child. I thought that was what He wanted me to do. But, as I grew older, I realized it wasn’t. My life has gone along a different path, so to speak. One that He has lead me on. I failed Him. I was tempted, pushed, and I did not resist, instead I let the evil compel me.”

“What evil?” I could tell then that he was becoming tense. Maybe he thought I was going to confess to killing someone.

“Not what you are thinking.” How could I explain to him my existence, my worlds? How do I tell him of the things I see, the things I feel? When I am so incapable of comprehending them myself. I decided not to try and left. Rude, I know.
Now, as I listen to the rain pound on my roof, my heart still searches for You. Are you there? Maybe the priest was right, maybe my guilt is overpowering me. I keep slipping in and out of myself, and the pain of it courses through me. My hand scribbles down this stuff and I don’t even know where the thoughts are coming from.

A new song enters my mind, peaceful…

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay


Word of God speak to me, fill me with Your presence, I’m so alone.
I sing to life
and to it's tragic beauty
to pain and to strife
and all that dances thru me
the rise and the fall
i've lived thru it all...


To my brother, Steve, who held a grace and light beyond words, God bless. I love you --Tracie
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Post by lorin »

The transition during the day of October 4th is incredible. It just seems he found peace in the quiet. Peace in the listening.

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.
Mahatma Gandhi
The loudest truth I ever heard was the softest sound.
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Post by Furls Fire »

He becomes very ill after these entries, there isn't another one until Oct 29, in 1998 and in it he describes how ill he has become. I think I posted that one a year or so ago, maybe longer.

It was during these times when I could feel that something was very wrong, and I called him at least 5 times a day. These are the memories that are the hardest for me. I don't like to remember him this way. And for some reason, he wants me too.

Anyway, I am reminded of a Dan Fogelberg song, off the Innocent Age album...

Across the vein of night
there cuts a path of searing light
burning like a beacon on the edges of our sight
at the point of total darkness
and the lights divine divide
a soul can let it shadow stretch
and land on either side...either side

And balanced on the precipice
the moment must reveal
naked in the face of time
our race within the wheel
as we hang beneath the Heavens
and we hover over Hell
our hearts become the instruments
we learn to play so well...so well


A soul can let its shadow stretch and land on either side...
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Fist and Faith »

Furls Fire wrote:Hey!! I was able to post a pic!!

Russ and me :-)

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/album_pic.php?pic_id=1860
Hey! Don't know how I missed this post! Excellent! I'll recognize you in the airport, eh? :lol: Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by Furls Fire »

Fist and Faith wrote:
Furls Fire wrote:Hey!! I was able to post a pic!!

Russ and me :-)

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/album_pic.php?pic_id=1860
Hey! Don't know how I missed this post! Excellent! I'll recognize you in the airport, eh? :lol: Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous!
Oh please...

I know how you missed it, your head is full of games these days... :lol:

I got new pics of the kids that I'm going to try and upload. Av said he would try and get Stephen's and Isaiah's up for me too. I can't seem to get them to work, Russ seems to think there is something wrong with the files themselves. Hope not.

Anyway, we were going to rent a car so you don't have to cart us around while we are there. :D

OH! I was going to bring some of Steve's journals, thought you and Duchy would like to see them, but it's going to be such a short trip and we will all be busy with the wedding, so not sure if you would like me too.
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Furls Fire »

I also have video of Isaiah, I could bring that too...
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Fist and Faith »

Bring everything you have! :D Excellent!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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