Alex's "story"...sigh. I've thought long and hard about whether or not to do this. In the end tho, I think everyone will better understand what it actually meant to him to be here on the mountain for his final days, and also for him to find friends here on the Watch. So, here goes. First, a quote of his from the 'Tank:
Alex wrote:Yeah, see? I didn't think I was saying it right. I'm no good at this stuff. I know happiness can be found for people who are gay, and I know that being gay isn't the cause of AIDS. I never had the chance to be happy, not until just recently. When I said that being gay was the cause of my AIDS, I meant that if I wasn't gay I never would have been a target for those who gave me the virus.
It really is too late for me to find someone to share life and love with. I'm full blown AIDS now, I wouldn't put anyone I loved through watching me go through what is soon to come. How I feel about my homosexuality is probably irrelavent to this discussion. I hope one day that homosexuals do have the right to marry, everywhere. And I hope that it won't be looked on as something deviant or, like Fist said, filthy, but as something just as beautiful and wonderful and "normal" as hetero marriage.
The bolded statement caused some to take pause, and they asked him what he meant. He never got a chance to respond. So, I will answer for him.
Alex was an abused child. His father beat him and would call him all sorts of degrading and horrible names..."sissy", "faggot", "pr**klicker"...etc, from the time he was 5 years old. When he was 14, he fled and took to the streets. He was a gay teenager living alone in a cardboard box on the streets of St Paul. Word got around among the street people that a "gay virgin boy" was among them. Long horriific story cut short...a group of men caught him one night and gang raped him in an alley. One or more of them was carrying the HIV virus, Alex was infected then. Of course, he didn't know until much later, when AIDS developed. After the rape, he was placed into a group home, where he was taunted and abused further for being gay. Finally, at age 18, when he had aged out of the system, he was able to go out again on his own. He moved from place to place, feeling like he never belonged anywhere. Worked odd jobs, played guitar and sang on the streets for money..all the while he was getting sick. When he was 22, he went to an ER and they discovered that he had PCP...He was full blown AIDS by then. He never found love, never knew true friendship, he loathed himself and his homosexuality...and he thought he was going to die alone.
We all have nightmares, we all dream of the monsters coming after us once in a while. For Alex, the monsters were real. He was hurt so horribly. When he finally came to us, he was so full of fear and pain. When I talked to him that first day, he broke down and sobbed. He couldn't believe that someone would actually
want to help him. And when I say I got to him so late...well, I wish I would have gotten to him years ago. A lifetime of pain, of horror...two months of love and happiness. I hope it was enough.
Permanent--David Cook
Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
even if I tell you I won't go away
today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and
everything is temporary rest your head
I´m permanent
I know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask
"oh God is there some way for me to take his place?"
And when they say it's all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away
But still you say..
Will you think that you're all alone when
no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
and everything is temporary, rest your head
I´m permanent
I´m permanent
Is the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry
"Love is the essence of miracles" Alex's miracle was that we found him and he us. He passed knowing he was loved...