A KW Newbie's First Post

[PeasantChick503]

(Just real quick: I've been wandering around the web looking for a good writer's forum, and I think I'm settling here. I figure, with TCTC being our common thread this place probably has a lot going for it. What I've read here so far has made me think I'm right.

So, for my first contribution, here's a poem I've been working on the past week. It's not done, of course. I was thinking of titling it "Hell Fall" but that's just so gloomy and this is supposed to be a more lighthearted piece. Anyways, thanks in advance for reading this, and any thoughts you have on it!)

It’s a white world in the winter
That clean cold smell
Calm after the hell
Of falling in a riot flame

Screaming, baby birds leap,
Rusted school bells order
Still summer high kids about
Dirty echoing halls
Plates clank in the shelves

The wind is pissed
Whipping burning trees
Sending red-pained leaves lost like cinders

All the TVs warn
This could kill you but you can’t afford it

The clouds stay high,
Scared of the violent air.
When the rain does come, its spears
Silver knives sometimes still warm
From the frustrated lonely sun
Alone behind petrified boredom

Below, the grass gets sloppy
Giving up
Stomped under rush hour.
Lines now, cutting and bustling
Everyone’s going the same direction
And fighting about it

Dogs howl through sliding glass doors
At cars that screech,
Relearning wet concrete

Food is hurried
All the time has been spent
But lord knows there’s still energy
Everything is back from vacation
And hating real life.

Then the sun gives up like the grass and goes cool

Everyone stops, looks up
And feels the silence coming on
It’s startling
Even after the downpour fall of hell

White and ice stop everything

Wires crack and fall
And make all our metal boxes useless
We slip stinging if our pace picks up
Shops and schools close
For fear of sliding freefalls.

The world reminds its kids that it can turn this damn car around if you don’t all play nice.

Even the trees sag a little
Black bare embarrassment

And when it snows, if it does
The only legal expression is a smile
The warm drinks are passed out freely
We duck our heads and stay pleasant
Laughing and rolling and bundled up safe

And every year mama believes we’ve learned our lesson
She makes up with flowers and clean showers
And then lets us have our sun back for a while

[matrixman]

If this is one of your "more lighthearted" pieces, I have to wonder how much more apocalyptic your darker poems are.

Screaming, baby birds leap,
Rusted school bells order
Still summer high kids about
Dirty echoing halls
Plates clank in the shelves

Effective imagery - I just hope it doesn't encourage my brain to revive annoying, recurring dreams I've had about my school days.

The clouds stay high,
Scared of the violent air.
When the rain does come, its spears
Silver knives sometimes still warm
From the frustrated lonely sun
Alone behind petrified boredom

I really like this part. I like how "silver knives" immediately follows "spears" -- the images merge, so that for a moment I think the rain comes down like warm silver knives. Radioactive rain, maybe.

Everyone’s going the same direction
And fighting about it

Possibly my favorite line. It sums up...a lot of things.

My compliments on an excellent poem! (Even if not yet finished.)

[Avatar]

Just real quick: I've been wandering around the web looking for a good writer's forum, and I think I'm settling here.

You might be interested in the writers forum too. It's a private forum...go to this thread: Accessing The Writers Circle and click the link to apply if you want. One of the mods will give you access. If they're asleep at the switch, lemme know.

As for the poem, agree with MM. I like it. Think the imagery speaks more to me than the actual literal "changing of seasons" metaphor. Hell, it almost seems wasted on the topic.

--A

[PeasantChick503]

Hell, it almost seems wasted on the topic.

--A

I had that thought too, while I was writing it. It seems like one big exaggeration. I'm afraid it detracts from the poem as a whole in a rather irreparable way. But it's how I've always jokingly thought of Fall in my head and I can't separate the topic from the imagery.

Thanks, Av and MM. I'm going to keep beating this horse, as it ain't dead yet.

Also, thanks for the link. I've seen people mentioning it and was all confused about how to find it. I just applied to Writing 1.

[Avatar]

Cool. If LuciMay hasn't added you soon, lemme know and I'll do it.

--A