Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

Post by **Stephen C** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 4:33 pm

October 29, 1998 12:11 am

There is a madness in my dreams that threatens to drown me at times. A wave that crashes against my unyielding wall of sanity and I panic. This whirlpool drags me down into the depths of dementia; and when I open my mouth to wail if fills with a vile sledge. I waken drenched in perspiration, become ill, so ill.

Satan, oh yes, he exists, he seeks to destroy my faith, he seeks to steal away my courage, to claim me. For, how could God allow such madness? How he lies, how he deceives, how he vomits himself up into my sleep, seeking to end me, my soul, my way. But he fails!! And, oh how he rages! Hurling his madness at me in waves of illness, blasting me with my own disease until I wake up screaming. But, I will not relent. I resist him, his insidious attempts to do me in.

I challenge you Lucifer! In the name of my Father I challenge you to destroy me! Do you think that just because I am weak of body that I am weak of soul? His grace sustains me, you fool! My essence, all that is me, is not bound to this sick shell I reside in, when it dies, I will join the Father, and His Son in the glory of Heaven’s Light. And you will have failed! Go dance in your fire and be away from me, Lucifer. You have no hold on my soul, my heart, for I have already given it away to He that is most high, the Great I Am. And once given, it remains given.

Same morning, 4:26 am

Stephen Clarke McKinney, you are indeed an idiot at times. Never challenge the devil when you are awash with fever. So ill I’ve become, so very ill. Ah, Lucifer, you do make it difficult, but I still win, you may have flared up the fire of my disease to use against me, but I have not faltered in my faith. You can assail me with wave upon wave of this, you can render me sightless, you can render me gutless, you can render me brainless, so all that is left is a dying husk, but my soul will never be yours. Never. So, go ahead, Lucifer, bring it on.

Dammit Stephen, shut up! Ah, your fever makes you witless!

Dear Jesus, I’m sick. So sick. I better call for help.

Post by **duchess of malfi** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 5:39 pm

Ah, Furls. Stephen's courage and faith amaze me. I am humbled by him.

Post by **dANdeLION** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 7:14 pm

Woah. This is amazing and beautiful. I haven't got the time to read it all here at work, but I will read it by this weekend. My 35 year old brother is getting a biopsy thursday, and there is some fear that he has cancer in an advanced stage. So I may need these words by Stephen for both of us.

Post by **Brinn** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 10:01 pm

Best wishes for your Bro dAN. Sincerely hope everything turns out alright.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed Jan 14, 2004 12:17 am

Brinn wrote:Best wishes for your Bro dAN. Sincerely hope everything turns out alright.

Indeed!!!

Stephen C wrote:My essence, all that is me, is not bound to this sick shell I reside in, when it dies, I will join the Father, and His Son in the glory of Heaven’s Light.

Reminds me of a song:

Cat Stevens wrote:Lord, my body has been a good friend,
but I won't need it when I reach the end.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed Jan 14, 2004 2:40 am

duchess of malfi wrote:Ah, Furls. Stephen's courage and faith amaze me. I am humbled by him.

huggles duchie

dANdeLION wrote:Woah. This is amazing and beautiful. I haven't got the time to read it all here at work, but I will read it by this weekend. My 35 year old brother is getting a biopsy thursday, and there is some fear that he has cancer in an advanced stage. So I may need these words by Stephen for both of us.

Ah, dAN, you and your brother have been added to my prayers. I hope all goes well with the biopsy. Please know that you are welcome to read Stephen's thread any time, and may his words bring you inspiration and peace, no matter with the results to your brother's tests are. God bless you both. Hugglesssss

Fist wrote:Reminds me of a song:
Cat Stevens wrote:
Lord, my body has been a good friend,
but I won't need it when I reach the end.

Hugglessssss Fist, just because you are you.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed Jan 14, 2004 5:34 am

Chariots of Fire is in my top few favorite movies of all. I find it somewhat ironic that what I love so much about it is Eric Liddell's faith, as I do Stephen's. There's the scene where all these powerful guys - including no less than the Prince of Wales and the Duke of Sutherland - are pressuring him into racing on the sabbath, which we had previously heard him lecture a young boy about:

Cadogan: There's only one way to resolve the situation. That's for this man to change his mind, and run!

Prince: Don't state the obvious, Cadogan. We have to explore ways in which we can help this young man to reach that decision.

Eric: I'm afraid there are no ways, sir. I won't run on the sabbath, and that's final. I intended to confirm this with Lord Birkenhead tonight, even before you called me up in front of this inquisition of yours.

Cadogan: Don't be impertinent, Liddell.

Eric: The impertinence lies, sir, with those who seek to influence a man to deny his beliefs!

It's his unshakable faith that holds him firm in the face of this pressure. God sets the rules. And here's these clowns trying to tell him that their will should be followed instead? If he wasn't risking serious repercussions of the Earthly sort, which do count for something, after all, it would be laughable. There's another brief conversation days later, when Eric's in the stands, watching the race that he would have been in:

"Any regrets, Eric? That you're not down there with them?"

[Eric looks wistfully] "Yeah." [His look changes to a calm, sure smile] "No doubts, though."

Stephen was obviously under a different sort of pressure, worse in every way I can imagine. But when your faith is absolute, it counts for nothing. No matter what kind of pressure is put on you, the answer remains the same. We've all heard, or will hear, Stephen's lesson, or we wouldn't be at this site. But Stephen teaches it to us in a much clearer, more concrete way:

"Ah, my daughter, do not fear."

His voice was husky with regret and tenderness.

"You will not fail, however he may assail you. There is also love in the world."

Then he released her, stepped back. His eyes became commandments.

"Be true."

Post by **ShadowLurker** » Wed Jan 14, 2004 3:42 pm

dAN, I too hope all goes well for you and your brother. I can personally atest to the healing power of Stephen's words for I too, am living with AIDS. My days are numbered, borrowed time, my end will come sooner rather than later. Before I came here, no wait, before I saw Tracie's posts, I was lost. I was terrified, I was alone, and I was spiritually crippled. Stephen literally lifted me out of the darkness. And Tracie, my God, Tracie...I have never met anyone as beautiful, as amazing, as "saintly" as Tracie. dAN, if it is solace you seek, this is the thread to come too. Stephen is glorious.

Fist, I was left breathless by that entry. He had such faith, that even at his weakest he had courage enough to challenge Satan. Where I would run in terror, he stands and confronts the demon, confronts it! Astounding.

Now that I have heard Stephen's voice, I can "hear" him speak in these journal entries. And I "heard" no fear in this one. I heard guile, I heard strength, I heard courage. Defiance. If anyone should fear, it should be Satan himself.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Thu Jan 15, 2004 1:28 pm

ShadowLurker wrote:If anyone should fear, it should be Satan himself.

If Satan's powers are similar to Foul's, i.e., despair, then Stephen won!

Post by **dANdeLION** » Thu Jan 15, 2004 7:37 pm

ShadowLurker, I am sorry to hear this about you; i'll remember you in my prayers. Brinn, Fist, Furls; thanks for the prayers. My bro got the biopsy today and is resting at my house, but there's no word as of yet on his growths. I hope that they'll know something when we take him to his checkup tomorrow.

Post by **DukkhaWaynhim** » Thu Jan 15, 2004 8:36 pm

I am honored to read the words of such a strong, honest individual. In my life, I have known people who had much less devastating illnesses, that simply folded inward and gave up on this life. From that, and from what I've read of and about Stephen only strengthens my belief that it is in the strife, the really bad times, where a person's true character shines through.
Despite the evils that AIDS inflicts upon a person, or any terminal illness, it is the faith and character of the person that determines whether it conquers both body and spirit. Truly, Stephen's spirit was never conquered, and I thank you for the opportunity to share in his strength.

ShadowLurker and dAN, my wife and I will be praying for you both.

In the words of my favorite author:
Be True | Something there is in beauty.
DW
[Weird, warped, and waving at You!]

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Fri Jan 16, 2004 12:48 am

DukkhaWaynhim wrote:From that, and from what I've read of and about Stephen only strengthens my belief that it is in the strife, the really bad times, where a person's true character shines through.

I completely agree. Most people may appear strong and true when everything's going their way. They may be kind and generous. But what if nothing is going their way? Are they still kind and generous? The truly strong and true are always strong and true.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 2:32 am

Hail everyone,

I'm sorry that I have not been around to keep up with the posts here.

Shadow is in the hospital again, Cryptococcal Meningitis, PCP, and KS (Kaposi's Sarcoma) related intestinal infection. He's a very sick man right now. He collapsed into seizures Tuesday and spiked another temp of over 106. I have been with him around the clock since then. He's resting now, they have controlled his fever and he is heavily sedated.

Please please please, say extra prayers for him, this is very bad. Cryptococcal Meningitis is a fungal infection that effects the brain and lungs, couple that with the PCP, it can be life-threatening. Shadow has been put on a respirator to help him breath. There is an added fear of coma. And he has had multiple siezures. There is a bright side, since he is not drug resistant, there is a good possibility that treatment will be successful and he will come out of this crisis. So, everyone, please keep him in your hearts and in your prayers.

dAN, I hope all goes well with your brother's biopsy and you get good news.

Dukkha, it's good to see you here posting to Stephen's thread. You are most welcome to post and read here any time.

Peace all

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 2:59 am

Ah, Shadow...

Post by **Furls Fire** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 3:00 am

Quick note here. Shadow did most of chp 18 for dissecting, so I am going to log in under his ID and post it under him. I think he would like that, he was so excited about doing it. I promise not to read any of his pm's if any of you have pm'd him in the last couple of days.

Post by **Skyweir** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 4:11 am

i will add shadow and danDelions brother to our prayers too!!

be well ..

Post by **Furls Fire** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 5:20 am

Thank you Sky

Post by **Dromond** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 5:36 am

I have no words... I hope for the best.

Post by **danlo** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 6:52 am

Wow too much going on right now!

Come on Shadow and dAN's bro!!!--and please say and xtra prayer 4 duchy's dad who just passed 2 the other side of day...

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 4:49 pm

to duchess.

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)