Joke de jeur or however that's spelled...

[danlo]

Past the Point of Rescue

[Elfgirl]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'


Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[danlo]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

[Shuram Gudatetris]

Nice one, danlo!

[Shuram Gudatetris]

Forgive me if you've heard this one before, but especially forgive me for it being terrible. But i just read the "frayed knot" joke and I heard this one on the same day once when I was nine.



There once was a very peaceful village of kind-hearted Trids. They lived in a beautiful valley at the base of a mountain. Only problem was, there was this mean giant that lived on the mountain, and he enjoyed tormenting the Trids. Everyday he would come down the mountain and kick the Trids around like little hacky sacks. The Trids did not want to fight back, but they were getting hurt and the Giant disrupted their everyday lives and business. So the Trids appealed to their Rabbi, the spiritual leader of the village, to find a way to help them.

The Rabbi took the burden upon himself, and climbed up the mountain to confront the giant.

"Please Giant," said the Rabbi, "please leave my people alone and stop kicking them around. I beg you."

To this, the giant laughed heartily and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[Shuram Gudatetris]

The chief of staff informed pres. Bush today the three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in combat with Iraqi insurgents. Bush gaped at the man, and then put his head in his hands. The cabinet was stunned; they had never seen Bush so shaken before. Finally, bush lifted his head and said "My God......how many is a brazillion?"

Even outdated, I thought this was funny enough to forward to some friends.

[danlo]

You've probably heard this before, in fact it may be in this thread somewhere, but...

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

[Cambo]

And now, a question of ethics:

Llama the Llama was caught trying to smuggle illegal drugs into the capital of Pakistan....

....

Is Llama Bad??

[peter]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head - Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade on his head - Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head - Dougless.

What do you call a 400 pound gorilla with a pickaxe handle - anything he wants!

What do you call 200 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea - a good start.

My wife went for a mudpack. She looked good for two days and then the mud fell off.

She said 'I want to go on holiday somewhere I've never been before.' I said 'Try the kitchen.'

She ran off with the nextdoor neighbour. I do miss him.

Eleven happy years of marriage and then the wife came back

And Finally my favorite one of all.........

How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three; his left ear, his right ear and his final frontier!

BOOM BOOM!

[balon!]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry and umbrella?





fo drizzle

[balon!]

How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen snorted?


























Enough to kill 2 and a Half Men!

[stonemaybe]

The king of the the London alleycats, the one two three cat, challenges his Parisian counterpart, the un deux trois cat, to a race across the english channel. Who won?

The one two three cat.





















The un deux trois cat sank.

[aliantha]

Good thing we don't have any French Watchers, Stone -- they might have to kill you for mangling their language...

[balon!]

OH!

I didnt get it untill that. Thanks Ali!

[aliantha]

No worries, balon. I don't speak French either, but somehow I recalled that 5 in French is cinq (which I probably spelled wrong just now...) and then it clicked.

[Vraith]

I suddenly got it walking around the house about an hour after I read it.
When I saw Ali's "hint" an even more mangled version happened...
the un deux trois cat sank became
the undextrous cat sank.

what do you expect? silly brits think beauchamp sounds as beechum.

[I'm Murrin]

I got it because it's a really, really old joke.

[Rigel]

I got it because it's a really, really old joke.

Hmm, if anyone here likes old jokes...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, grumbling he gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing"

[Rigel]

Here's another classic:

Husband: How about a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

[peter]

Woman goes to Jamaca on Holiday and on the first night meets a Jamacan guy in a bar and takes him back to her room.
The following morning she asks him his name and he refuses to tell her. 'You'll only laugh at me' he says.
This goes on each day untill the last morning when he finally relents. 'OK - my name is Snow' he says.
The woman bursts out laughing and the Jamacan reacts angrily. 'See - I told you you'd laugh at me' he says.
'Not at all' says the woman 'I'm just thinking of my husbands face when I tell him I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaca!'