Introvert/Extrovert

[deer of the dawn]

I recently learned that this is actually a big deal.

Introverts can actually be outgoing and social. The main thing is how you "recharge" your batteries: by interaction, or by quiet time? My husband can talk to lots of different people for hours. I like people and I like to chat, but after a couple of hours I'm drained and checking out.

How about you?

[Hashi Lebwohl]

I'll have to get back to you on this, maybe tomorrow or Monday.

[Wildling]

I just wish people would quit asking me questions. It's very difficult to imagine they don't exist when they don't shut up.

[Avatar]

--A

[Orlion]

I personally think the collective interwebz is mixing up its definitions again.

Introvert/Extrovert to me does not have anything to do with "charged batteries" or however it is that one does it. It has everything to do with how you center yourself. If you are somewhere thinking you'd be better off catching up on some shows on Netflix, you're leaning towards introverism. If you sit by yourself and wish instead that you were out meeting new people or being around people, you're leaning towards being an extrovert.

Everything else is a matter of how much effort you want to put into socializing. I have a friend, for example, that likes to throw parties. Is he an extrovert? Nah, I wouldn't say so... because he always partys with the same group of people over and over and over again. Sometimes, people do not want to put the effort into developing new relationships. That's normal, not all relationships are worth the effort. At the same time, this "battery" explanation I've seen floating around is sort of...pedantic (at least in its comic form). It's like the self-proclaim introvert knows people want to be around him because he is such a great catch so, here is what you gotta do to hang (btw, the 'introvert' in this comic does absolutely nothing to contribute to the relationship. He expects it to come pre-packaged and acting according to its rules).

Long post short: it's the wrong question to ask.

[aliantha]

I disagree.

I recently finished reading Quiet (finally!). The "how do you recharge?" test is valid -- but there are other factors involved. And too, an introvert can learn to act like an extrovert, and can even train him/herself to be the life of the party. *But* they need downtime afterward, or they get cranky.

This all explains, btw, how introverted people can have careers like acting or, oh, say, being on the radio. I remember quite clearly telling myself in my teen years that I needed to learn how to interact with other people. And I did, eventually, more or less. But I need my downtime.

And I'd venture to guess, Orlion, that you're an extrovert yourself, so you're having trouble wrapping your brain around a definition of "I need some alone time" that doesn't translate to "aloof and unapproachable". For my part, I'm always baffled by people who say they couldn't stand to live alone and/or do stuff alone, that they'd be lonely. I have to watch myself, or I start thinking of them as needy and pathetic.

[Orlion]

And I'd venture to guess, Orlion, that you're an extrovert yourself, so you're having trouble wrapping your brain around a definition of "I need some alone time" that doesn't translate to "aloof and unapproachable".

Come now, you know me better than that! Friends and family have not seen me in months! I also identify strongly with that Twilight Zone Character whose glasses break at the end of the episode (my worst nightmare).

[peter]

Oscar Wilde oncw attended a stylish party in a fashionable London house surrounded by the city's cultural celebs of the day. He dominated the room for 2 hours and kept all engaged in witty and erudite discourse seemingly without effort or difficulty. After this period he left, bestowing fairwells and thanks and in the highest of spirits. Unfortunately he left his cane behind and ten minutes later returned, just to the hallway, to collect it. A fellow guest, leaving at that point later recounted that in that short interval he seemed a changed man. He was quiet and withdrawn, boardering on the point of depressed and all in all gave the impression of a man physically and emotionally drained.

It appears his 'extrovert' nature came at sometimes, a severe cost. This I inderstand.

[ussusimiel]

I think this link has been posted somewhere before (by ali or Deer maybe), but it seems appropriate here as well: a TED talk about The power of introverts.

u.

[deer of the dawn]

I really think it's not strictly one or the other; people are on a spectrum. I know lots of people who are outgoing but introverted; in terms of, they need that down-time. Even my husband, who is very extroverted, needs some time to himself-- just not nearly as much as I do! Also, people change over time.

[peter]

I once heard it said that to be 'mentally healthy' [ughh!] one should be projecting somewhat the same appearence externally as one was experiencing/feeling internally. That counts me out from day one. I've always been known as a 'people person', an extrovert, the life and sole of the party. It's bullsh*t. I find dealing with people exhausting and difficult. My extrovertedness is merely a cover for my insecurity and inadequesy. I have learned over many years the skill of empathising with people, of dealing with them at their own level - consequently I am all things to all people, but have no true level of my own. I, like Wilde above, am an introvert who covers it up by being an extrovert.

[deer of the dawn]

Peter, in my line of work there is a lot of talking involved. I simply have to be "on" at times, sometimes for hours longer than I would choose to be. It's a skill and a discipline.

I was given a book recently called "The Introvert Advantage". It's been very affirming, but also tons of practical ways to learn how to husband your energy and be able to be around people when you need to be, but still have that recharge time when you need it. Things as simple as, when you're at a large gathering, scope out a nice retreat, even if it's just the watercloset; and give yourself permission to excuse yourself when you just need a few minutes. In other words, to "find your own level", but still be able to interact with the world.

It was great to know why at big parties I always ended up in the kitchen washing dishes, or outside wandering the yard, or scoping out their book or CD collection. No need to stay in the hamster ball if you know how to work it!

[peter]

Same here Deer. I face people front on for eight hors a day in the store and being a 'local' 7-11 everybody wants just a bit more than to purchase their items. You swap from dealing with builders to lawyers to doctors to kids to retired's on a minute by minute basis - they all know you [they shop every day] and they all want to communicate. To them it's a two miute interaction - to you it's a communicative assault course that leaves you worn and frayed [on a bad day] - hence the reason I love a mobile phone user. They're too involved to even notice your existance and require nothing back from you more than their change. That works for me!

[ps - I've seen that book on the shelves; will give a looksee.]