Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

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Fist and Faith
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Post by Fist and Faith »

ShadowLurker wrote:Oh, and have I mentioned lately how wonderful Tracie is??? Well, if I have, so what, going to mention it again. Tracie, you are wonderful!!!

(I do that to make her blush, it's so great.) Heh.
I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I didn't quite catch it.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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ShadowLurker
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Post by ShadowLurker »

Tracie, you are wonderful!!!

(Fist and Faith made me do it, Sweetheart)

:D
"Even the blind can see this light, what a glorious passing this is.." -Stephen C. McKinney
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Post by Furls Fire »

Alright, stop it you guys!! :P :P ;)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Fist and Faith
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Post by Fist and Faith »

OOOOHHHH!!!! I gotcha! You said Tracie's wonderful!!!!

Of course, you probably only meant that in a gloriously giving and loving way.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Stephen C
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Post by Stephen C »

May 17, 1997 9:26pm

God guided me to a woman today at Doc’s office. She sat apart from everyone else and I felt her eyes on me as I sat talking with an acquaintance of mine. As I looked back at her, she lowered her eyes, pretended to read from a magazine she held in her lap. I moved over and sat beside her. “hello” I said, “my name is Stephen.”. I held out my hand to her, and she took it with a look of complete astonishment on her face. “Stephen?” She asked, her voice quivered. “Yes, Stephen McKinney”. This, in itself was odd, because I normally just use “Steve” when I introduce myself to people; but He, for I’m sure it was Him, insisted I use “Stephen”. I reached into my jacket pocket and turned on the little recorder I carry with me, knowing, as I did with Nathan James, that this was going to be very important.

“I’m Denise.” She said, her face still held onto that earlier astonishment. “I’ve seen you before. I know your name.”

“From here? Seems we both have the same doctor.”

“No, someplace completely different.”

Before I could ask her what she meant I was called back. I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere and talk after our appointments. She nodded. I waited while she was back with Doc. I felt His Presence so strongly that I spoke out loud to Him. “What is it? What do I need to do here?” I got no answer. Oh Steve, why ask? The answer comes in its own way, just need patience. And watchful ears and eyes.

We went to a Starbucks just down the hill from the Doc’s office. I bought her a coffee and we sat by the window. I recorded our conversation. Ah mercy, the pain people bear!!

“You said you know me, or remember seeing me.” I said after a long silence.

“Yes. This may sound strange. But, all my life, I’ve seen your face and heard your name. From the time I was a small girl, I’ve been dreaming of you. Crazy huh?”

“No, not at all. I know a lot about such dreams.”

She stared at me again, that look of profound astonishment on her face. “When I saw you sitting in Dr. Connelly’s office, I knew I had seen you before. And when you said your name, my heart skipped a beat. Now, I understand. I think I’m going crazy. You are HIV positive too, you have AIDS now, don’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes. Your dreams of me? Tell me of them?”

“You lived in a cottage, like the ones you see in pictures of old England. It had a well full of flowers and was by a river. I would run to you and you would embrace me and call me by name. You would tell me not to lose faith, that even if life grows dark and painful, the passing on will be glorious. You told me this over and over in my dreams. I thought you were an angel. Back when I believed in such things. But when I saw you…” She paused as her throat caught on her voice. “I feel I know you.”

“You do. He has made it so. I don’t know why yet, but He never does anything without a purpose or reason. Tell me of yourself. How did you get sick?”

“He?” She scoffed. “You mean God? Please, don’t go there with me. There is no God.”

I sat back then and smiled. “Then how do you explain seeing me in your dreams? If not God, who then put me there?” She didn’t answer. “Sweet Denise, I am not one to make you believe in God, or anything else for that matter, I only do as He directs. It is obvious to me that He wishes us to talk. Believe that or not, it is your choice. It is also your choice if you wish to continue this conversation. I have the day, and can spend it with you.” I then waited. She sat quietly, staring out at all the people passing by.

“If God exists, why does He allow such suffering? Why does He allow such things as AIDS, and Cancer, and starvation, and war, and abuse? Tell me why?”

“You think God is the reason for all those things? All that is man-made, all that is Satan’s influence. All disease, all terror, all starvation, all abuse, all violence, all war, all suffering. It all comes from Satan’s hatred. Satan seeks to destroy always the creations of our Lord, and what better way to do that than to influence His own children to destroy it. Free will, Denise. Free will. We chose our paths, and some choices lead to devastation, war, terror, starvation. Look at Hitler. One man, with Satan in his soul, caused the death of millions. And then look at Abraham Lincoln, one man with Jesus in his heart brought a nation back together and freed an enslaved people. No, God does not allow, God does not cause, God does not condone.”

“But He punishes. He punished me. He cursed me with this disease. He took my family from me. He took my life from me. All because of one mistake.” I could tell she was fighting back tears.

“Tell me.” I said gently, then added. “If you can.”

“Years ago, before I met my husband.” She paused then. “Ex-husband. Before I met him, I was assaulted by someone. I never told him this. I didn’t see that it was important, it was a dark event from my past that I buried. I married my ex-husband 12 years go, and we were very happy. We had a beautiful baby boy 3 years later, Derek. Shortly after he was born, I became tired, very tired. We both thought it was because of having a new baby in the house and dismissed it. But, it never went away, even when the baby started sleeping all night, I was still exhausted all the time. And, I ignored it. Our lives went on. When Derek was 7 years old, I got very sick. I was diagnosed HIV positive. Within, 3 months of that revelation I went from a happily married mother of a beautiful little boy to a divorce woman who lost her family. My ex-husband won full custody, I lost all rights to my son. He looked at me like I was some monster, screaming curses at me, this man that swore to love me for better or worse, in sickness and in health, was now calling me a whore. He went through the round of tests, and all came back negative, which, I suppose is something to be thankful for. We never used anything, never thought it was necessary.” She paused again. Looked at me, the tears finally spilling from her eyes. “I’ll die alone.”

My hands instantly gripped hers and I held onto them. “No, Denise, not alone, because now you have me. You have always had me. And, whether you chose to believe this or not, you have the Father. If He truly wished for you to die alone, if He truly wished to punish you for concealing a crime done against you, He would not have led you to me. He showed you my house, not the house I live in now, but the one I will go to when I pass. He showed it to you because you will also go there. And you will not be alone. It was not blind chance that we have the same doctor, and that we both had the same appointment time. It was not, Denise. This city is huge, the world is huge, of the millions of souls roaming it, our two were meant to meet this day. By God’s Hand. That is my belief.”

She stared at me, pulled her hands away and breathed…”You’re crazy.” Then she was gone, with a whirl of her coat. She did not look back at me, and I just watched her go.

Crazy? Ah yes, Stephen, sometimes you are definitely crazy.

Father? Please, what more can I do? As with Nathan, I can only watch and wait, or should I run after? Such as this is beyond me, I am not one to impose will or belief. How do I instill in her Your love? I can’t, I know, I can’t. The choice to accept Your love and guidance is completely hers. And my only choice is to wait and watch for her return.

Sweet Denise, may the Lord’s Light guide you out from the pit of your pain. May you feel His embrace envelope you in His Grace. And may you find peace in His Love.
I sing to life
and to it's tragic beauty
to pain and to strife
and all that dances thru me
the rise and the fall
i've lived thru it all...


To my brother, Steve, who held a grace and light beyond words, God bless. I love you --Tracie
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Stephen C wrote:I felt His Presence so strongly that I spoke out loud to Him. “What is it? What do I need to do here?” I got no answer. Oh Steve, why ask? The answer comes in its own way, just need patience. And watchful ears and eyes.
I'm glad he answered his own question so quickly, before I had to whop him on top of his head! :lol: Even I knew the answer as he was asking! :mrgreen:

Stephen's journal never fails to amaze me. When Denise started describing the cottage... MAN THAT'S GOOD STUFF!!! I've said before that this should all go to a publisher. Oprah would make it one of her picks, it would become the #1 bestseller, and AIDS research would have that many more millions.

And the rest of the world could hear Stephen's words!!!!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by duchess of malfi »

Did he ever get to meet her again? Did he ever get to help her? :(
Love as thou wilt.

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Post by Fist and Faith »

Patience, duchess, patience!! :D Would God let it end like that? I don't think so!!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by Furls Fire »

I'm sorry, I was going to post a comment about Denise after I posted the entry under Stephen's ID, but things went crazy here and this is actually the first time I've been able to get on since then. :)

Denise is now a very good friend of ours, she still lives in SF and now has weekly visitations with her son. Stephen helped her find the courage and inner peace it took for her to fight for the right to regain contact with Derek. She is not "full blown" but battles frequent bouts with PCP and KS. The man that raped her died in prison of AIDS. I will post more entries concerning her, there are quite a few, as she became such a good friend of Steve's and mine. :)

And, Fist, I'm still considering putting all these together somehow in book form, not sure how to go about that, and I would have to get consent from the rest of my family. And then there is the "time" issue...something I seem to not have enough of lately. :?
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Furls Fire »

Isaiah wanted me to post this. We have fallen in love with this song!! Seal has done it again!! :)

"Love's Divine"
By Seal

Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't bet (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe:

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't bet (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by ShadowLurker »

That song describes what happened to me. It fits me like a glove. I had nothing to believe in, nothing to hold faith in.

Love is indeed divine! :)
"Even the blind can see this light, what a glorious passing this is.." -Stephen C. McKinney
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Nice song. I love Seal's voice. I heard him the other day on the radio, but it was noisy, and I couldn't hear the words. Probably that. I definitely have to hear it!
ShadowLurker wrote:That song describes what happened to me. It fits me like a glove. I had nothing to believe in, nothing to hold faith in.
And yet you stayed true. You knew wisdom when you saw it. You accepted love when it was offered. And you return it. Some lose these things entirely, and ignore them when the come along.
ShadowLurker wrote:Love is indeed divine! :)
BANGARANG!!!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by ShadowLurker »

Fist and Faith wrote:And yet you stayed true. You knew wisdom when you saw it. You accepted love when it was offered. And you return it. Some lose these things entirely, and ignore them when the come along
In my younger days, I was very bitter, and then just became indifferent. I was used and I used back. But, I don't believe I ever hated anyone, not even my parents, who showed me only hate and loathing. Maybe I was just biding my time in some odd way. I didn't know what love was until I was literally slapped with it by Stephen's words. A sleeping corner of my soul was shook thunderously awake. Sick as I am, I'm more alive now then I was in all those years of indifference.
"Even the blind can see this light, what a glorious passing this is.." -Stephen C. McKinney
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Post by Fist and Faith »

It seems so odd to say, but I'm very happy for you. I'm so happy that you Lurked, and found Tracie and Stephen before it was too late. I'm a very firm believer that quality is more important than quantity. Some people go 80 years without ever knowing what you know, and feeling what you feel.

A character on some tv show or movie had parents similar to yours. Another character said, "I feel sorrier for them than I do for you. It's better to be unloved than to be incapable of loving." What an amazing thing! And, of course, you're not unloved any longer. None of the rest of us is as extraordinary as Tracie (& Russ), but we all love you too.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by duchess of malfi »

Indeed we do. :)
Love as thou wilt.

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Post by Furls Fire »

Okay everyone!! Time for a GROUP HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

|G |G |G
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by birdandbear »

|G |G |G


:D :D :D
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."
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Post by variol son »

UM, GUYS...NOT SO HARD...YOU'RE CUTTING OFF CIRCULATION. ;)

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You do not hear, and so you cannot be redeemed.

In the name of their ancient pride and humiliation, they had made commitments with no possible outcome except bereavement.

He knew only that they had never striven to reject the boundaries of themselves.
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Two babes are hugging you, and you're complaining that it's too tight??? What's the matter with you? Are y...



Oh. Right. I forgot.



:haha: :haha:
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by birdandbear »

:haha: :LOLS: :haha:



What are you doing over there? Get your butt on over here, ye scurvy lech!!


|G |G |G
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."
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