How do you feel today? v. 3.0

Post by **Sorus** » Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:33 pm

Can't wait to see yours. I've always liked copper.

Post by **aliantha** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 1:27 am

*Love* the copper. Have fun, lorin!

Post by **sgt.null** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:29 am

I miss my dad. we become really good friend after I married Julie. I call my mom, but not often enough.

ran into the friend I dropped and he acted like nothing had happened. so I made small talk and excused myself. I really did have to get to the citizen's police academy class.

tomorrow I go back to the trusty camp. I really prefer the building when I am able to have a c/o. it is harder to get along when you have nothing but inmates. I prefer the company of a good c/o. I would prefer to go back to 2nd shift.

I need more comics but we are broke right now. so I got some graphic novels from the library. thinking about a thread about libraries.

Post by **rdhopeca** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:38 am

I am home for the first time in a year. Hanging out with the parents, and trying to decide how much to make an issue of my problems with them. Same internal battle every year. Nothing like the issues other posters might have, but they are important nonetheless. I tell myself that I no longer care about their approval or their input, and generally that's true, but I am still a bit miffed that I graduated from college this past week and I am in their home for the first time in a year the same week, and the extent of their acknowledgement of my success is a congratulations on a Facebook post. They want to know when commencement might be so they could go, but they don't have the time to get me a card? They do the same sort of "would love to do the grandiose but don't have time for the little details" b.s. when it comes to my kids as well. "Would love to visit you out there, but no, don't have time to call your kids, we're too busy taking your cousin's kids to the movies today because their mom won't take them".

My therapist says resentment is the poison you give yourself when you want to poison someone else, and I fight it, but at some point it would be nice to feel like my children's day to day lives had some meaning to my parents. The graduation thing is just an annoyance on top of that.

I guess we're having a good visit otherwise. Took my mom to lunch and hung out with my uncle and his wife, who were both much more interested and excited about my graduation. Just odd I guess.

Post by **sgt.null** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 5:10 am

rdhopeca - when people act like they don't have time for me I just cut them off. family included. works for me. may not work for everyone.

Post by **rdhopeca** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 5:14 am

sgt.null wrote:rdhopeca - when people act like they don't have time for me I just cut them off. family included. works for me. may not work for everyone.

I know, Sarge, I know. Not seeing them for a year kind of qualifies I suppose.

Post by **sgt.null** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 6:08 am

haven't seen any of my grandkids in a few years. not by our choice.

Post by **lorin** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 11:22 am

rdhopeca wrote:I am home for the first time in a year. Hanging out with the parents, and trying to decide how much to make an issue of my problems with them. Same internal battle every year. Nothing like the issues other posters might have, but they are important nonetheless. I tell myself that I no longer care about their approval or their input, and generally that's true, but I am still a bit miffed that I graduated from college this past week and I am in their home for the first time in a year the same week, and the extent of their acknowledgement of my success is a congratulations on a Facebook post. They want to know when commencement might be so they could go, but they don't have the time to get me a card? They do the same sort of "would love to do the grandiose but don't have time for the little details" b.s. when it comes to my kids as well. "Would love to visit you out there, but no, don't have time to call your kids, we're too busy taking your cousin's kids to the movies today because their mom won't take them".

My therapist says resentment is the poison you give yourself when you want to poison someone else, and I fight it, but at some point it would be nice to feel like my children's day to day lives had some meaning to my parents. The graduation thing is just an annoyance on top of that.

I guess we're having a good visit otherwise. Took my mom to lunch and hung out with my uncle and his wife, who were both much more interested and excited about my graduation. Just odd I guess.

Rob, I think sometime when I am reading your posts that you and I are following a very similar path down the life road. Only thing is I am a few miles ahead of you. All I can say is turn back NOW!

Seriously though, it gets easier and easier (well maybe easier isn't the right word but its all I have) not to speak you mind. I had always thought it would be easier to let people know how you feel as you get older but for me it was not. I don't tell any of my family how i feel and consequently feel very animatronic around them. I am always worried they will feel hurt so I keep quiet. Or I feel that its useless to bring it up so I keep quiet. And it eats at me. And the resentment increases exponentially. (my new favorite word.) Try to find a calm way to express your feelings to them, maybe rehearse with your therapist.

The other day I took a huge step (for me) and it paid off....sort of. I said to my father that I have given him three parties, huge rental space type parties and I am turning 60 next year and I want a party. I actually knew he would never give me a party, but he did give me a cruise to go on next June in Europe. So in a way it paid off, but in a way it was sad to confirm that he would never step outside himself to make an effort. Anyway, I don't have enough friends for a party but it was nice that I could speak my mind just a little.

I think as our parents (and then us eventually) get older the world becomes smaller and more about them/us. It's harder and harder to relate to others. Similar to when you are a child when the world is all about you.

Post by **rdhopeca** » Sat Sep 20, 2014 12:27 pm

lorin wrote: I feel that its useless to bring it up so I keep quiet.

This. This is exactly it. The last time they visited here, almost three years ago, I asked them to call my kids more often. Lasted a week.

The last time they saw them, two and a half years ago, my father objected because he'd rather Skype then talk on the phone with them.

Really? The method of communication is a deal breaker? Even after I explain to you that the kids will talk to you on the phone, but just goof off like the silly kids they are on the ipad?

Anyway. At some point it no longer matters. A theme in my life, and I sense yours as well.

Post by **I'm Murrin** » Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:20 pm

I've just spent about an hour on my french-learning app. Usually I just do one quick 5-minute bit a day. I still feel like I barely understand most of it. Et maintenant, je veux lire un livre.

Post by **Avatar** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 4:51 am

Well, I'm happy.

Got a couple days leave I have to take before the end of the year, and Wednesday is a public holiday, so taking Thursday & Friday off, leaving me a 2-day week.

--A

Post by **MsMary** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:49 am

Nice.

YouTube · Post by **Menolly** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:51 am

Enjoy, Av.
Does this mean we won't see you Wednesday through Sunday?

Post by **lorin** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:18 am

rdhopeca wrote:
lorin wrote: I feel that its useless to bring it up so I keep quiet.
This. This is exactly it. The last time they visited here, almost three years ago, I asked them to call my kids more often. Lasted a week.

The last time they saw them, two and a half years ago, my father objected because he'd rather Skype then talk on the phone with them.

Really? The method of communication is a deal breaker? Even after I explain to you that the kids will talk to you on the phone, but just goof off like the silly kids they are on the ipad?

Anyway. At some point it no longer matters. A theme in my life, and I sense yours as well.

I have not much to offer to this. It does seem strange to me that the roles feel reversed. Usually older parents don't want to get too techie.

I would like to say to give it one more try with them just to say you did your most, but I get the feeling it won't make a difference. And I bet you get the same pain in your stomach I get when I confront someone. It will probably take some life changing experience for them to wake up and want a relationship. Let's hope it's not too late.

Post by **michaelm** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:25 pm

I need coffee!

Post by **aliantha** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:38 pm

michaelm wrote:I need coffee!

Me too. And I just finished a cup. Need more. (Here I go, down the slippery slope of over-caffeination...

)

Had a good weekend, all up in my own head.

Finished the first draft of the latest book (which I'll post more about in the Work in Progress thread in a sec here, as soon as I finish this and Connect Four!

).

Post by **aliantha** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:58 pm

Okay, double-posting now that I've (temporarily) won Connect Four.

(Hope the mod doesn't get mad at me.

)

Rob and lorin: I hear what you guys are saying, and I've been there.

Re "I feel it's useless to bring up so I keep quiet": You might be surprised. I felt the same way about confronting my brother. When it finally burst out of me (and yeah, I don't recommend letting stuff fester 'til it comes out in an angry outburst, not that I've ever done that

), it took a couple of *years* before he replied with anything but an excuse -- and his reply surprised the hell out of me, because his point of view was so different from the one I had imagined.

Which brings me to my other point. Rob, I dunno how old your folks are. But the older people get, the harder it is for them to do stuff like pick up a card (especially when the pickings are as slim as they are these days -- have you looked at greeting cards lately? The selection is pretty much crap, imho...). And some people think cards are a waste of money -- they'd rather send a message in their own words than some canned Hallmark phrase. I don't mean to make excuses for them, and I'm sure you're seeing a pattern of behavior that I'm not perceiving. But they may have (what they consider to be) valid reasons for not going out of their way in the way you'd like for them to.

Same-same with Skyping rather than calling on the phone. I can kind of see their point on this. It might be that they'd *rather* see your kids being goofy. Live-action may be preferable to voices -- it helps 'em feel like they're actually there.

lorin, re your dad not making the effort, again, I know you've got a history there. But I'm thinking about the age factor. Unless he's got an assistant who would do everything for him, he may just not be wired in a way that involves party planning, whereas you clearly are.

And btw, whaddya mean you don't have friends who'd show up for a party? *I'd* come!

Anyway, I'm not trying to say that y'all's feelings aren't valid. My point is simply that sometimes it helps to try to see things from the other person's point of view.

Post by **Orlion** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 7:24 pm

aliantha wrote:Okay, double-posting now that I've (temporarily) won Connect Four. (Hope the mod doesn't get mad at me. )

Oooooooh....you kids and your Connect Four!

Get off my lawn!

Post by **aliantha** » Tue Sep 23, 2014 3:26 am

Orlion wrote:
aliantha wrote:Okay, double-posting now that I've (temporarily) won Connect Four. (Hope the mod doesn't get mad at me. )

Oooooooh....you kids and your Connect Four!

Get off my lawn!

I see you didn't object to the game too much to win it yourself.

Post by **rdhopeca** » Tue Sep 23, 2014 5:41 am

aliantha wrote:Okay, double-posting now that I've (temporarily) won Connect Four. (Hope the mod doesn't get mad at me. )

Rob and lorin: I hear what you guys are saying, and I've been there.

Re "I feel it's useless to bring up so I keep quiet": You might be surprised. I felt the same way about confronting my brother. When it finally burst out of me (and yeah, I don't recommend letting stuff fester 'til it comes out in an angry outburst, not that I've ever done that ), it took a couple of *years* before he replied with anything but an excuse -- and his reply surprised the hell out of me, because his point of view was so different from the one I had imagined.

Which brings me to my other point. Rob, I dunno how old your folks are. But the older people get, the harder it is for them to do stuff like pick up a card (especially when the pickings are as slim as they are these days -- have you looked at greeting cards lately? The selection is pretty much crap, imho...). And some people think cards are a waste of money -- they'd rather send a message in their own words than some canned Hallmark phrase. I don't mean to make excuses for them, and I'm sure you're seeing a pattern of behavior that I'm not perceiving. But they may have (what they consider to be) valid reasons for not going out of their way in the way you'd like for them to.

Same-same with Skyping rather than calling on the phone. I can kind of see their point on this. It might be that they'd *rather* see your kids being goofy. Live-action may be preferable to voices -- it helps 'em feel like they're actually there.

lorin, re your dad not making the effort, again, I know you've got a history there. But I'm thinking about the age factor. Unless he's got an assistant who would do everything for him, he may just not be wired in a way that involves party planning, whereas you clearly are. And btw, whaddya mean you don't have friends who'd show up for a party? *I'd* come!

Anyway, I'm not trying to say that y'all's feelings aren't valid. My point is simply that sometimes it helps to try to see things from the other person's point of view.

I have decided to offer to skype with them so they can watch one of Elijah's soccer games. We'll go from there. Other than that I let it go.

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

How do you feel today? v. 3.0