Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[Furls Fire]

I know Mom wanted an entry from Uncle Steve to be posted here at the top of page 100. But, I think I will post the latest entry of her journal instead. From this past Tuesday, here is Mom...

November 10, 2009: Tuesday, 10:22 am

Russell went home, I sent him there. Our babies need him more than I do right now. Yet, the voices, the angels whisper to me, and they sound urgent, almost pleading. I can’t make out the words. Storms rage outside the room window and I stare as the lightening flashes. What is it trying to tell me? What are the voices trying to tell me?

And then I heard Stephen. His voice just as urgent as the angels’. “Go home, Tracie.” He said. “Go. Nothing here. Nothing good will come. You do not belong in this place.” And I ask…

“Are you sure? They believe they can help me.”

And finally, the angels are heard and understood. “Listen!” They practically shout. “Listen! The way of the path is lost here!”

Song bursts from them, and it is one of ire, of deep pain. My head begins to hurt, worse than it has these last few days. The sickness within me begins to boil anew. Now, I understand, now I know, no one can help me here. No one. Nothing. This cancer is beyond the corporeal world, I can’t be healed here. They can’t heal it. Only at home will the healing come. Only there will my body find rest.

“Tracie! Time is lost. Go home!” Stephen’s voice shakes the walls of my room, and I wonder how it is that no one else can hear him.

“Will I die?”

“What is death? It is nothing. It is only the walking through.”

“I know.” I respond. “And I will walk soon?”

“Who can say?”

And the angels shout again. “Listen!”

Were I strong enough to stand, I would rise up from this bed and go. But the tethers that bind me here, bind my body here, are tightly bound. And my weakness hinders me. My thoughts are of a fevered want for solace. Helplessness washes over me as the voices fade. And I hear my brother once again. “Faith of the Father. Faith of His Hands.”

So, my eyes grow heavier. Something more not right with me begins to have its way. I sense a shift, a burden heavy against the weight I already carry. There is a new sharpness to the pain. My eyes begin to blur and my sight clouds as I write this. My hands shake. Do I call Russell? Do I tell Matthew what Stephen said? And there is a dimness to the light, all sound seems muffled, I feel myself become less of me and more of the burden.

Sweet Jesus Lord, grant me solace these final days. Grant me Your sweet healing and grace. Here now, the truth comes to me. Here now, Your Light begins to glimmer just beyond the dim reality of me. Here now I know I’m in the wrong place. Sweet Saviour, Divine Redeemer show me the Way to go. If I am to leave, please let me go from the Mountain, not from here. The Mountain, where my soul lives most alive, where my heart resides, where the work of Your choosing commences. It is from the Mountain I wish to go, it is on the Mountain I wish to rest. There, all that is holy, all that is You, all that remains of me, is where I wish to walk from.

I pray to You, my Lord to grant solace to my family, they will not grieve lightly for me. They will grieve a grief so crushing that the breaking may be beyond healing. Hold them as You have held me. Lift them to the Grace that You grant me. Grant me the strength to leave them, for I cannot find it within me.

Thy will, as always, be done.

Mom is still here, and Drs may not be able to do anything for her, but miracles happen here every day. And God can do anything. She is still here.

[Stephen C]

And I know this one has been posted a couple of times here, but I can think of no other entry that matches it for this moment in time. To my Mom from Uncle Steve...

August 11, 2001 11:42pm

My dear beautiful Tracie,

My eyes grow weaker, this will be the last of my entries here. It is to you as all of it is, for no one else understands my heart, my soul, my pain, my desire for end, as well as you. We grew in spirit, you and I. My failing heart plays out all the memories of our days. Yours was the first face I grew to love, not mom or dad’s, not Julie’s, or Chris’s, or Matthew’s. Yours. You, sweet sister, my guide to awareness, to life. You brought me to who I am, and was. I treasure our moments, one by one, the music we made, the writings we shared, the books we read, the walks along the beach, in the forest. But most of all, our talks. You had the eyes to see me, the ears to hear me. Foamfollower, in our favorite books, said “joy is in the ears that hear.” Oh hearing you brought me such joy. My dear dear sister, I leave you with this, bound to you always I will be, in the silence, listen for my voice, it is then I will call to you, and sing to you the joy of heaven.

sorrow soaks my sister’s orbs
assails their cerulean depths,
brims the wellspring of her with my pain.
she pours herself over me, smiles out the grief.
In these moments, she becomes absolute.

she is earth mother, embodied beauty
her grace alone binds the threads of my thin
endurance to our souls, her soul.
she completes me, embraces me, instills in me
her sweet heart strength, her undying, unending love.

Oh my radiant sister!
how your brilliance blinds the seer!
do you know the way of your gleaming spirit, your ageless essence?
Oh how my battered self sinks into you, drowns in your shelter.
flower sister of mine, hum gently the way of you
so I might dream the dreams of illumination, and
disperse these nightmares in your serene glow.

--Stephen C. McKinney

“Thank you, thank you, thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.”

I love you, Tracie.

We all love you, Mom.

[Dromond]

Furls Fire...knowing you has strengthened me.

[Avatar]

And me.

--A

[Xar]

And me.

[Worm of Despite]

And me. You made me realize I'm a good person, and no one else has.

[Savor Dam]

...and me. I regret that I only came to the Watch and found this thread earlier this year.

Having been one of the advocates for treatment at MD Anderson, I am sorry this did not turn out as we'd hoped and prayed -- but Stephen's voice was clear in Tracie's journal entry and she is back on her beloved Mountain. Who can say what miracles may yet come forth there?

In the words of a Watcher who is away at a wedding this weekend and has no internet access:

Love and Light, Furls!! Love and Light!!

[Menolly]

...and me. I regret that I only came to the Watch and found this thread earlier this year.

...and me.

Love and Light...

...

As Eric says...
I love you.
...we all do.

I will try to come back here to my sister's hotel room and check here again after the wedding tonight. But, I have a promise from someone to be kept updated via text. I know he'll hold to that.

[Worm of Despite]

This may sound silly at this point but I'd love it if she could be able to read our words now... But I think she knows, no matter what!

[Savor Dam]

Yes, she knows...and Russ mentioned upthread that she does wake and smile at times. While those moments are precious and the family has much to say apart from relaying our words, if there is an opportunity, be sure she will be told.

Nor is it beyond credibility that she will again muster the strength to join the thread on occasion. Furls is an amazing person, and we may all witness that anew!

[dlbpharmd]

And me.

So say we all.

[danlo]

My family and I love you and yours!

[SoulBiter]

Tracie you have been such an inspiration to me and even though we have never met I can say that I love you and your family! Every one of you lives your life the way ALL Christ followers should. You give of yourself and your time and your love to those that need it the most.

As others have said, I am a better man for having known you and the lessons I have learned from you have not been small ones. I will treasure those lessons and the example that you gave and continue to give, forever. I know that when you leave this world that you have been in all too short a time, that you will be in Heaven. We will grieve for you but you are really not so far away... we all have our time here and when its over we have eternity to look forward to. I will see you again on the other side one day and when I do I will give you a big ol' hug.

[aliantha]

And me.

So say we all.

So say we all.

[Xar]

One thing is clear, and it should be said... a person's life and legacy are not measured in years, but in how many people they have touched. And this thread is a testament to exactly how many lives Furlsie has touched, how many people she has enriched. There are few who, like her, are in the thoughts of people from all over the world, from all walks of life and all ages... and simply because we love her.

So hear that, Furlsie? No matter where, no matter who... we all love you here!

[Orlion]

So hear that, Furlsie? No matter where, no matter who... we all love you here!

So do we all. Reading your thread on Alex has affected me greatly for the good, it was only then that I could truly relate to all others as part of a family. You've lit a fire in my heart that can guide me through the rest of my life... thank you.

[lucimay]

sometimes, on a whim,
grace walks among us

thank you tracie.
so say we all.

[Seareach]

so say we all

[Fire Daughter]

She is still with us. She smiles in her sleep and when she wakes up for those brief moments she doesn't say anything, but she lifts her hands to us. Right now, her eyes are open and she is listening to me read everything you have all written. She is smiling, her hand is on mine as I type this, and her head is resting on Daddy's chest.

When she goes, if she goes, she will know and does know how much you all love her. And please know, how much she loves all of you.

sometimes, on a whim,
grace walks among us

[caamora]

so say we all.