The right thing to do?

[Vain]

OK. So I'm in a quandary and have my own thoughts on the matter but maybe I need to see things from a different light.

I haven't returned to South Africa at all since emigrating many years ago. During that period of time, my dad's state of health has deteriorated to a point where he's pretty much not functional - a consequence of a number of strokes over a long period of time and I suppose gradual degradation.

So now I sit with the question: Do I fly over to see him before he finally passes - which could be next week or another 5 years (no idea). He virtually wouldn't be able to recognise me and I wouldn't be able to have a discussion of any sort with him. I suppose over my lifetime there's been a fair degree of 'resentment' from me towards my dad and that has gone away as time has passed.

From my side I'm thinking that I prefer to remember him as he was and to see him now would be an absolute shocker for me and one that won't have any benefit.

So, do i remember him as he was and attend his funeral and pay my last respects (in a sense) in that way - or do I go before then?

Any thoughts either way are welcome

[Prebe]

If you don't want to see him before he dies (which I could understand) don't go to his funeral either.

If you are planing to show up at his funeral, you should go before he kicks the bucket.

[Menolly]

Vain, by "gradual degradation," do you mean dementia?
Even if he can't respond, if he has his memory he will know you are there and who you are.
If his memory is gone for certain, then it is a tough call. I, personally, would probably regret not visiting one last time, regardless of interaction or recognition.
But, your choice should be your own.

[Avatar]

If he really won't be able to recognise you, I'd say "don't go."

All you'll be doing is replacing your last memory of him as a functional and whole person with a new one of him as infirm and frail...and not affecting his last memory of you at all.

The only possible reason for going would be to assuage whatever sense of guilt you might feel about not seeing him, and maybe appease the rest of the family, depending on how they feel about it.

If you'll feel bad about not going, by all means do. But if you're confident of your conviction that it would do nothing for him, then there's nothing to feel bad about.

Don't see why you shouldn't go to his funeral even if you don't go now...might suggest making clear to the family your reasons for not going now though.

Of course, if you do go, you can always visit me.

--A

[Prebe]

Don't see why you shouldn't go to his funeral even if you don't go now...might suggest making clear to the family your reasons for not going now though.

That was sort of what I meant: If you can't defend (to the rest of the family) your not going while he's alive, you might find yourself having some unleasant explaining to do at the funeral. Best make it clear now, as av suggests.

[wayfriend]

Go.

For yourself and for your father and for your family.

You'll regret not going. You won't regret going.

Seeing your dad as he is now won't affect your memories of him one bit, I solemnly swear. It'll make them dearer.

Even if you don't believe in an afterlife, imagine your dad after he's passed on: do you think he'll be happier that you went to his funeral, or that you visited him while he was alive? Considering what your dad would want as if he was alive and fully aware, even if he isn't, is the essence of respecting him.

Don't yield to rationalization of selfishness here. Doing so will burn inside later.

(My dad passed away five years ago.)

[Fist and Faith]

If there was a positive reason to go, you would have visited, and your family would have visited you, periodically since you left. And your father won't recognize you now, so there won't be good memories of a warm, happy final visit.

So you're left with negative reasons. An unfortunate situation. Doing things for negative reasons isn't generally the way to go through life, eh? But I don't suspect that's what you usually do. Is it something you should do in this instance? The fact that you made this thread is possibly telling. We can't have problems with anyone else the way we have them with family. The resentment might be easily manageable at this point. But it was powerful enough that you moved pretty darned far away, and haven't visited since. The resentment might have only become manageable because of the time and distance.

Now, what about guilt and regret? More nasty stuff that we get to carry around with us forever just because it's family. How strong will they be for the rest of your life if you don't go? Enough that, twenty years from now, you'll be thinking, "Damnit! A simple plane ride twenty years ago, and I wouldn't be feeling like this!!" Again, why did you start the thread? Are these feelings already there? Will the facts that he won't know you and you'll get to keep your mental picture of a more vibrant man help enough?

Maybe you shouldn't go for your father, or the rest of the family.

[Fist and Faith]

Good post, wayfriend. I only saw it after I posted.

And my final thought, which I couldn't fit in one post with my cell...

Are there positive reasons to go? Family gives us crap we can never get rid of. But there's often a flip side to that. Even when it makes no sense, and is even annoying as hell. We might all know people with a$$h*&^$ for parents who, inexplicably, love them anyway. Why? "He's my dad." Any chance your eyes will tear up when you hold his hand, whether he knows you or not?

[Menolly]

Now, what about guilt and regret? More nasty stuff that we get to carry around with us forever just because it's family. How strong will they be for the rest of your life if you don't go? Enough that, twenty years from now, you'll be thinking, "Damnit! A simple plane ride twenty years ago, and I wouldn't be feeling like this!!" Again, why did you start the thread? Are these feelings already there? Will the facts that he won't know you and you'll get to keep your mental picture of a more vibrant man help enough?

Maybe you shouldn't go for your father, or the rest of the family.

As I said, your choice should be your own. What do you foresee you feeling, once he does passes?

~*~edit~*~

And again ditto both wayfriend's and Fist's second post.

[Cameraman Jenn]

I think if you are asking that there is some desire in you to make peace so I say do it. Even if it's a questionable peace.

[aliantha]

I agree with Menolly -- you have to make your own decision. But that's not to say I won't chime in.

If it were me, I would go. I made the "pilgrimage" home when each of my parents was failing and even tho both were tough visits, in different ways, I am glad now that I went.

You said that you had some resentment against your dad in your younger years. Seeing him now might give you a different perspective on what happened then. The trip might be worth making, just for that. And Wayfriend's right -- seeing him now won't supplant your memories of him when he was in his prime.

I also agree with Fist that if you do decide to go, don't do it for anybody but you.

And if it's *really* terrible, you can bail out and go meet Av!

[Cail]

FWIW, I didn't go to either the hospital or the funeral when my stepfather died. I don't regret that decision one bit. It was my choice not to go, and it had nothing to do with anyone else in the family.

If it was my father (who I am very close with) and I knew he wouldn't recognize me, I wouldn't go see him in the hospital. There's (to me) no point in putting myself through that trauma, and there would be no benefit to him.

Ultimately, the choice is yours.

[lucimay]

i'm with wayfriend on this one vain.

everybody could use a bit of love. even if your dad won't know
you're there or who you are.

its simple. if you love him, go now before he dies.
if you don't love him. fuggetabout it. screw convention.
you don't have to go to any body's funeral. parent or otherwise.

ask yourself why you're even asking yourself the question of whether
you should go or not. thats sort of important to know.

[Cail]

its simple. if you love him, go now before he dies.
if you don't love him. fuggetabout it. screw convention.
you don't have to go to any body's funeral. parent or otherwise.

Going or not going has nothing to do with love. That's a really rotten thing to say.

[Avatar]

I certainly agree with your first post Cail. But not the second one. Why shouldn't it have to do with love? In fact, (without knowing the actual reason, and with only vague memories of what you've said in the past, couldn't part of the reason you didn't see your step-father be part of the fact that you (maybe?) didn't love him?

I think all Luci is saying is what the rest of us have said...go for yourself.

Some good posts folks.

--A

[aliantha]

ask yourself why you're even asking yourself the question of whether you should go or not. thats sort of important to know.

What she said.

[Cail]

I emphatically did not love my step father, however I emphatically do love my father. If he were in the kind of condition that it sounds like Vain's father is in, I wouldn't go see him in the hospital.

My point was that it's a pretty rotten thing to equate going to see them in the hospital with love.

[Avatar]

Dunno...Why should you go and see them if you don't love them? (Again, unless it's for your benefit.)

--A

[Cail]

I don't know, but that's not the point. Point is, it's a fiercely personal decision.

[Avatar]

That it most certainly is. Which is why it's no worse to say don't go if you don't love him, than it is to say don't go because he won't know. *shrug* Like I said...either way, whether you go or not, you should be doing it for you, not because anybody else says do or don't.

--A