• Phone conversations last 30 seconds
• You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
• A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
• Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
• You can open all your own jars
• Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
• When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every channel where someone is crying
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
• You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
• You can go to the bathroom alone
• Your last name stays put
• You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
• You can kill your own food
• You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
• The garage is all yours
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
• You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
• You never have to clean the toilet
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
• Wedding plans take care of themselves
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
• Your underwear costs $7.50 for a 3-pack
• None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
• You don't have to shave below your neck
• You can do your nails with a pocketknife
• You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
• If you're 34 and single, no one notices
• Chocolate is just another snack
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
• You never have to worry about other people's feelings
• Three pair of shoes are more than enough
• You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
• Car mechanics tell you the truth
• You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
• You can watch a game in silence for hours without worrying if your friend secretly hates you
• One mood, all the time
• You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
• Gray hair and wrinkles add character
• Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
• You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
• You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else
• Foreplay is optional
• If you retain water, it is in a canteen
• The remote is yours and yours alone
• You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
• If your buddy doesn't call you when he said he would, you won't tell everyone you know that "he's changed"
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you probably won't notice
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
• If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt
• You can write your name in the snow
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
• You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
• One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 15 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
• Same work......... more pay
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