On becoming hard-shelled

[deer of the dawn]

I have been living in Nigeria for 10 years now. A couple of years ago I realized that while driving is the most stressful day-to-day reality in my life (as someone said of driving in India, there are no rules, only reflexes) there is a way in which I am kind of addicted to the adrenaline/cortisol thing that happens almost every day when someone cuts me off or whatever. And there are multiple, far worse situations in Nigeria that outrage my sense of injustice. I was talking to a young woman on Sunday and realized she was functionally illiterate, which is extremely common here (and the literacy rate has dropped significantly in the last 40 years); this has been a common source of unquenchable anger for me. Not to mention the Chibok Girls, the Niger Delta, FGM, etc etc...

The only way you can cope with these realities over a long period of time is to blind yourself to most of it; and focus on what you can do.

However, there is a downside. I realized lately that you can't numb yourself to JUST pain or anger. Numbness affects everything. It kills passion and empathy.

So, my goal is to discover ways to protect my soul from the many spiritual black holes there are in this world, and find again passion and caring, and with it, joy and perhaps have to deal with the pain that is its shadow.

I did an internet search, and I was surprised at how little there is out there on this topic. Nurses reported feeling that they were becoming hard-shelled, and combat veterans touched on it. Some sites were like "how to be more hard-shelled", but this was clearly not helpful for me.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this, and what your outcome was, or if you are still in it?

[aliantha]

First:

Did any of those sites talk about compartmentalizing? I used that as a coping skill, without realizing I was doing it, when my kids were younger. I had to work, so the kids had to spend a chunk of each day in daycare. I couldn't spend all day at work freaking out over whether the kids were okay at daycare, so I did my best to pick reliable caregivers and then just mostly turned off concern-for-the-kids while I was at work.

I think that goes only so far, though, and it works better when the boundaries of the spheres you're compartmentalizing don't cross each other too often.

[Avatar]

Somewhat like Ali's suggestion, but on a broader level, I guess I do compartmentalise to an extent. But it's more like differentiating between what is close and what is far. I can be compassionate on a personal, individual level, but not on a mass level, if that makes sense.

Worry about the things you can affect directly, and don't worry about the things you can do nothing about.

--A

[deer of the dawn]

to you, as well.

Compartmentalizing is a great idea; however I am one of those "global" thinkers-- which is great for being able to apply knowledge from one sphere into another but there is also a bleed of emotional noise.

It can be done, though, I am sure. It's not easy, but what worth doing is?

[aliantha]

True enough. And the world certainly needs global thinkers. It's just tough on 'em.

But then the world can be tough on all of us, so...

[Avatar]

...suck it up...



--A

[aliantha]

That's not where I was going with it, and you know it.

[deer of the dawn]

It made me laugh, though, so it's all good.

I actually used that phrase today in my annual speech to my third graders about how if you play football (soccer) you WILL fall down and you WILL get hurt whether it is accidental or on purpose, and if you choose to play it's part of the deal, so you need to just decide to be tough and walk it off and forgive whoever was involved.

I love telling the kids how when I was their age we played a game called "Kill the Carrier" which involved basically mauling whoever was in possession of the ball so you could get it, and then be the next one to be mauled. It was stupendous fun, but I was the only girl who would play and I was quite good at keeping possession of the ball. I told my kids that it "worked" because no one went crying to the teachers who were supposed to be watching us (usually huddled in a corner having a gossip and a smoke).

This all came about because a boy who is rather new in school was very dramatic after recess wailing about how "everyone hates me". I asked the kids to raise their hands if they hated Abiel. No one raised their hands, of course, so I told Abiel, everyone does NOT hate you, in fact no one hates you. So please tell me what happened that you are upset about. De-globalizing issues is one of the ways I help kids process when they are all upset. As it turned out it was about one kid knocking him down and not being sensitive about it. So they made up and it was all okay.

As a person who tends to globalize, I guess I have learned that you have to be able to break issues down to where you can actually do something about it in order not to feel powerless and overwhelmed.

[aliantha]

Bless that kid's heart. You done good, Deer.

[Avatar]

I love telling the kids how when I was their age we played a game called "Kill the Carrier" which involved basically mauling whoever was in possession of the ball so you could get it, and then be the next one to be mauled.

We have that...it's called "Rugby."

De-globalizing issues is one of the ways I help kids process when they are all upset.

Good.

As a person who tends to globalize, I guess I have learned that you have to be able to break issues down to where you can actually do something about it in order not to feel powerless and overwhelmed.

Also good. And agreed.

--A

[peter]

We have discussed elsewhere the desensitising effect of being constantly exposed to atrocity heaped upon tragedy via the medium of tv and the internet, where virtually instant coverage of every act of inhumanity and outrage is now the norm. I have found myself viewing these stories from within as it were, a bubble - a shell through which no emotive response is generated, and this has bothered me because it's not who I am.

But in my case the recognition of the fact seemed almost enough to bring about a resolution. I posted last week in fact how the insensitive coverage f the Italian earthquake had forced me to turn off the news and behind this anger (I now realise) was a rediscovered empathy for the plight of the trapped victims and families of the lost. I hope it continues - we should never ever compromise on our capacity to feel for the plight of others.

[deer of the dawn]

I love telling the kids how when I was their age we played a game called "Kill the Carrier" which involved basically mauling whoever was in possession of the ball so you could get it, and then be the next one to be mauled.

We have that...it's called "Rugby."

--A

Basically! But I don't think we had goals. I only watched Rugby once and it was mesmerizing.

I can only watch so much news at a time. Especially Syria. I know personally a lot of Middle Easterners now and when I see those pictures, it is too real. And of course, I have heard bombs and seen the destruction they leave, so that makes it real too. I want to keep up with world news, but it gets harder and harder. "In the last days, the love of many will grow cold." I don't want to be one of those people.

[Avatar]

Well, technically rugby doesn't have goals, it has tries (sorta like a touchdown?) and conversions (sorta like field goals?) both of which generate points.

Not much of a fan myself. Of any sport really.

--A

[peter]

War without bloodshed as someone said - and not as a compliment!

[Avatar]

I always thought it was an acceptable substitute. Certainly must be better than war with bloodshed...

--A

[peter]

No question of that Av.

[deer of the dawn]

As weird as the idea of Syria's president in single combat with one of the rebels, and the winner has it out with the leader of Daesh, and then everybody has to live with the outcome, it could save a lot of bloodshed and heartache.

So I have been thinking about the compartmentalizing thing. As I said, as a global thinker it's not easy for me; if someone gets me angry I am generally pissed at the world for the day. But it isn't impossible. For example when I'm teaching in the classroom I can actually forget that I have a migraine. I just need to be more mindful of when I need to compartmentalize, and choose to do so.

It could end up being my superpower.

[peter]

Also, it can be an absolute necessity in respect of maintaining focus in the various areas of your life that must function in order for it to continue n an even keel. When problems in one area start spilling over into others, it's the beginning of a slippery slope you don't want to be on!

[Avatar]

As weird as the idea of Syria's president in single combat with one of the rebels, and the winner has it out with the leader of Daesh, and then everybody has to live with the outcome, it could save a lot of bloodshed and heartache.

Sounds good to me. We'd all be better off in general if the generals got down and fought it out themselves instead of sending in the cannon fodder.

--A

[peter]

This, or something similar was the modus operandi for so called 'primative' peoples in settling their disputes. They spent all night getting dressed up and drunk then at dawn the rival tribes faced each other off in a jungle clearing. After a period of insult exchanging and 'mooning' etc a few spears and arrows would be loosed off until one man or other was killed - then, honour satisfied they all went home and got drunk again. In this was disputes were settled with minimum damage inflicted (like gorillas putting on a show of chest-beating). It was a Western phenomena started by I think the Greeks to actually stand and fight to the last man - and a massively retrograde step in the prosecution of war. As usual the Asmat know best.