A Texas Chili Contest

[High Lord Tolkien]

I've read this several times over the years and it always makes me laugh.
I love chili but I don't think I've ever had any super hot chili.
Anybody else had chili like what's been described below?


*********************************************


A Texas Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up
a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the lastmoment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges
(native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chii # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
/UJudge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge# 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat
through the chair!No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried abot
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop
breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold,
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor
hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed
out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted
to really hot chili?

[[Syl]]

Just made some more chili today. Decided to take the spice down a notch (used jalapenos and fresno peppers instead of habaneros and arbols). Tasty, but not quite as good, though I think it's because I used too much beef.

Fingers are still burning after doing the dishes.

[Damelon]

Fingers are still burning after doing the dishes.

Then the chili must be good!

[sgt.null]

funny stuff. i started eating jalapenos when we moved to Texas. makes the beer tatse better.

[Avatar]

I've seen the same "story" three times now, all with different locations, including Durban, South Africa, (where a very large Indian population is famed for their chilli dishes).

Always funny though. I sympathise with Judge No.3

--A