Joke de jeur or however that's spelled...

[lurch]

...Three Salesmen,, down on their luck, meet at a cheesey motel, and decided to rent one room and share the cost. That night they all go to bed in the same bed. The next morning after waking up, one of them says,,strange nite, i dreampt i was being played with all nite. One of the others said, yea , me too I dreampt i was being fondled. The third said, I don't know about you two, but , all nite i kept dreaming I was skiing..............MEL

[Edge]

What's brown & sticky?

Spoiler

A stick.

[Sorus]

If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord...

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. I will not employ the forgotten building engineer who knows every nook and cranny, I'll farm the job out to a government contractor.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. I will have sex with her as soon as she says, "I do" and not wait until she has been washed and perfumed and brought to my bed chambers.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and besides, my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Avatar]

--A

[Sorus]

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND


1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven.
Enter ye all by this door.
This door is kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything -
bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this
point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days
will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
ElephantsPlease Stay In YourCar

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross
the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read,this leaflet
will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repairanything
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

[duchess of malfi]

Ran into this on another board:

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the Red States pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of unhappy divorced folks.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care as long as you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Cal Tech, UC Berkeley, MIT, Northwestern, and the Universities of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Chicago.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 58 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 97 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. San Diego - say no more!

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

[Sorus]

Fun History facts to know and tell ...some of these you may have seen
before. This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by
teachers from 8th grade through college.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.

They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made a king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offense. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries, Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.


Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was
to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. He
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented
by Issac Newton. It is chiefly noticable in the autumn when the apples are
falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German,
half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and capitlated
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who
practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

Charles Darwin was a naruralist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

[Lord Mhoram]

duchess,

Heh I loved that! Some people over there didn't though...

[lurch]

...go to Google....enter the word ..failure. Hit the search button..or google the word ,,failure....lol..MEL

[Lord Mhoram]

lurch,

ROFL!!! That's great.

[onewyteduck]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[onewyteduck]

and another:

Blonde Alabamian
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand>dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." Moral - Not all Alabamians are stupid and not all
blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[safetyjedi]

This isn't exactly a joke but I thought it was funny.


ECONOMICS EXPLAINED


DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a tan cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the tan one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[danlo]

"Arnold likes the ones with the big udders."
I like them all--it would take forever to comment... French, German, Belgian)

[ur-bane]

Those are great sj!

THOMAS COVENANT

You have two cows.
A moment ago you had only one cow.
The second cow must be a dream.
You try to prove that the second cow is a dream by milking it.
Dream cows don't have real milk.
To your surprise your half-unhanded hand squeezes milk from the cow.
You taste the milk.
It is foul.

[dlbpharmd]

This isn't exactly a joke but I thought it was funny.

Classic!

[Sorus]

Again, not exactly a joke. What Altavista's translation engine lacks in accuracy, it makes up for in entertainment value. Here's a translation of an email from Amazon.de:

Good day! We greet you completely cordially. To your Amazon.de order there are pieces of news. We could not to be referred the article standing down unfortunately as intended. Please you have still something patience. At present we assume that to receive it in the next 1-2 weeks. We keep their order upright. As soon as the commodity arrives with us, it is dispatched immediately to you. With the distribution you are informed again by us by E-Mail. We would announce ourselves in addition, if a purchase were no longer possible. If you the waiting period becomes for a long time, you can cancel also on-line over "my account" on our Website. Please you excuse the delay.

Or you can choose something in English, say the quote of the day from the main page:

Random Quote: (Lord Foul's Bane, Chapter 16, Blood-Bourne)
"Where I come from we don't see-- If you don't know the annual cycles of the plants, you can't tell teh difference between spring and summer. If you don't have a--have a standard of comparison, you can't recognize-- But the world is beautiful--what's left of it, what we haven't damaged." Images of Haven Farm sprang irrefusably accross his mond. He could not restrain the mordancy of his tone as he concluded, "We have beauty, too. We call it 'scenery'"

"'Scenery.'" Mhoram echoed. "The word is strange to me--but I do not like the sound."

Covenant felt oddly shaken, as if he has just looked over his shoulder and found himself standing too close to a precipice. "It means that beauty is something extra, " he rasped. "It's nice, but we can live without it."

"Without?" Mhoram's gaze glittered dangerously.

And from behind him Foamfollower breathed in ashtonishment, "Life without beauty? Ah, my friend! How do you resist despair?"

Translate it into another language, then back to English:

Occasional stating line: (lord fouls Bane, chapter 16, blood Blood Bourne)"where I do not see from us come -- if you not the annual cycles of the enterprises, can explain you not teh to difference between spring and summer. If you do not have A -- to have you cannot a standard of the comparison recognize -- however the world are -- beautifully which to the left from it is, which we do not have damaged." Pictures of the port farm rose irrefusably accross its moon. It could not hold back mordancy its clay/tone, as it concluded, "we has beauty, also. We call it ' landscape ' "" ' landscape.' " Mhoram resounded against. "the word is strange to me -- however I do not like the clay/tone." Agreement believed unusually shaken, as if it was straight over its shoulder geschauen and to also stand near at an abyss. "it meant that beauty extra is something," it raspelte. "it is nice, but we can live without it." "outside?" Anstarren Mhorams sparkled dangerously. And from the rear it breathed Foamfollower in ashtonishment, the "life without beauty? Ampere-hour, my friend! Like you despair resists?"

[Loredoctor]

I find Ur-Bane's post absolutely hilarious!

Absolutely, he did! Standing alone on Hashdrop, Loremaster alone held off the Cravers of the Land as the Colossus of the Bong.

I see that slowly he is re-entering this thread.....its force is tugging at him. Slowly, almost subliminal at first, the relentless pull increases in intensity as he nears the thread. Soon, the power of the thread will have him in its embrace, holding, caressing, manipulating the Loremaster to its deepest desires.

And lo! In an intense rush of finger-flying fury, the Loremaster cracks under the pressure, and words like wildfire emerge from the keyboard to blaze across the screen, burning their phosphorescent blackness into the Watch. Once more, the Power of the Thread proves invincible. Chalk up the Loremaster as just one more casualty in the neverending battle of thread vs. silence.

[Sorus]

Signs and Notices:

"How To Repair Your VCR." -- The title of a how-to video tape.

"Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.

"Watch Blow Out" -- A sign outside a jewelry store.

"Ears pierced while you wait." -- A sign in a shop.

"Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.

"Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.

"If you can't read or write, phone this number."

"Lunch and Learn Seminar: 'Who's controlling your life?' (get your manager's permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.

"Warning: Dangerous Area. No Trespassing Without Permission From Main Office." -- A sign outside a lumber yard in Troy, Idaho.

"Be Kind -- Please Rewind." -- A label on a DVD disc at a rental.

"We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.

"We expect to return to normal service the soonest time possible. Please check back after that time." -- Part of an automated customer support response message that was sent when a user sent email to technical support about an issue with Hotmail.

"Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.

"Hours: Sun-Thurs: 10:00 AM - Closing. Fri-Sat: 8:00 AM - Closing." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.

"Mon-Fri: 6:30. Sat-Sun: 7:30." -- A sign on a coffee shop in Spokane.

"Saturday: 12 noon to 12pm." -- A sign at a University Center.

"Free Juice Packet-- $0.35" -- A sign at a gas station in Orlando, Florida.

"Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.

"Employees Only: No Visitors Allowed." -- A sign on a factory bay door, immediately behind which is a bathroom with a sign that says, "Visitors Only."

"HIGH PRICES!!" -- A sign at a gas station called 'El Cheapo.'

"$2.99 ANY GARMENT" -- A sign in a dry cleaner in Murray, Utah, which continued, in smaller print below, "MOST GARMENTS."

"Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.

"Welcome to the Flippin Church of Christ." -- A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.

"Eyebrow Free Methodist Church." -- A sign outside a church in Eyebrow, Saskatchewan.

"Ear Piercing Pregnancy Testing" -- A sign in a local drug store that offered both ear piercing and pregnancy testing services.

"Walkin's Welcome" -- A sign in a nail salon.

"Those who use stolen credit cards will be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

"Desktop Model has INCLUDED a FREE 3 Year On-Sight Warranty" -- An advertisement for a computer.

"Please put the toys back when you are threw with them." -- A sign in a thrift store's toy section.

"How do you spell ingnorant? R-O-C-K-E-R" -- A sign held by a Mets fan, referring to Atlanta Brave John Rocker.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[onewyteduck]

POETRY CONTEST

FEMALE POEM

I want a man that's handsome, smart, & strong

One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I want him to be gainfully employed

And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door

Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh for a man that makes love to my mind

And knows how to answer "how big is my behind"

I want this man to love me to no end

And always be my very best friend

------------------------------------------------------

MALE POEM

I want a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

Who owns a liquor store and a bass boat

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap !