Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[Furls Fire]

news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090924/ap_on_re_as/med_aids_vaccine

Seems fitting, that on the eve of the anniversary of my brother's passing from AIDS, this announcement comes.

Look Stephen! The great work of our lives is coming to fruition! We may yet see an end to it. We may yet...

[Avatar]

Huggles Av

--A

[StevieG]

news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090924/ap_on_re_as/med_aids_vaccine

Seems fitting, that on the eve of the anniversary of my brother's passing from AIDS, this announcement comes.

Look Stephen! The great work of our lives is coming to fruition! We may yet see an end to it. We may yet...

Good news! And - 8 years today. Cheers, Stephen. Here's to one inspirational man.

[Furls Fire]

Time runs away from us faster and faster it seems. 8 years and somehow, the phrase "seems like yesterday..." plays over and over in my mind. Of course, memories of events such as this play out so vividly, the colors never fade, the voices never quiet...yet, the pain seems a bit duller, the sorrow eases, and all that remains is the beauty.

Today, I do not mourn the loss of my brother. Today, I...we...celebrate his life and remember when he was with us. Today, I rejoice, for what he has become, a vision of grace, of joy, of light...he is literally beyond words. My eyes beheld a great wonder when I was with him just a few short weeks ago. The words "beautiful" and "glorious" a so inadequate, so far from protraying what he is, but they are all I have.

At 10 years old, Stephen climbed in bed with me in the middle of the night. My room was dark, but I felt him lay down next to me, so I turned and faced him. His eyes shone with such brightness that I thought I was staring into two bright stars. "Tracie", he whispered. And I remember I reached over his head for the bedside lamp, but he held my arm and grabbed my hand. "No, don't turn on the light."

"Okay" I told him.

"Tracie, Jesus came to me." His voice rang with music, his eyes, if possible, shone even brighter. "He did, and the pictures of Him are all wrong. He doesn't look anything like them."

"What does He look like." I asked him, his joy flooding into me as we held hands in the darkness.

I remember he stared at me with such intensity, that I almost felt like I needed to close my eyes. "He is blinding! He is beyond all things beautiful. What we call beautiful, Tracie is nothing compared to Jesus. And when He speaks, it's like..." He paused then, and I felt his body begin to shake next to me. He was crying, so I wrapped my arms around him and held him. "It's like a zillion pure voices all meshed together into the One Pure Voice. The Voice of God."

By this time, I was completely speechless. I held onto my brother while he shed his tears of joy, shedded mine as well. "Want to know what He said?" He asked after some time had passed. I nodded, still not able to find my voice. "He said, 'I Love You'".

After all these years, the memory of events like that one bring me such joy. The beauty my brother's life brought to me, to all of us, still shines on. Brief, though his time among us was, it was glorious. And now, his grace wraps and keeps us bound to him so tightly, that it's almost tangible. I feel his arms embracing me right now as I am typing this. I know where he is...I've seen him. There is no room for sorrow on this day.

I celebrate you, Stephen, who you were and what you are now. And I LOVE you!

(from 2000...he describes what he looks like now so much better than I ever could...)

[Stephen C]

November 18, 2000 1:12am

Ah, how the beauty of some dreams expel the breath from me. What glorious gifts the Lord bestows. I walked along the River’s edge and the radiant light of Heaven shown all about me, wrapping me in it’s divine comfort. My body whole, my eyes all seeing, my heart full. My feet bare and about my shoulders a garment stitched with grace, absorbing the colors and fragrances surrounding it. It made me holy.

I wanted to run along Jordan’s edge and taste the wind. Run, for in life I no longer can. I wanted to splash into the River and feel its cool waters on my body, feel the power of its healing. Yet, I did not come there for healing, and knew I must only walk. My eyes, drinking in the beauty about me, searched. For, I came to meet someone. Who? I did not know, only that he would come. I came to a small bend in the River and above the shore was a grove of pale trees. Their leaves seemed to be sparkle silver in the light of Heaven. And there he was, standing among them and I felt my heart leap. He was me. He was tall, his blond hair hung about his shoulders, his eyes looked down on me with such love, I fell to my knees. He was me. Me, as I will be in Heaven. He beckoned to me with his hand and his voice resounded in my head. “Don’t kneel before me, Stephen. Rise. We are one, in body and spirit. What you see before you is you as you will be.”

I stood up, my legs wanting to fail me. I felt my illness surge through my body once more. “I will be whole.”

“Oh yes, and you will be great.”

“I don’t wish to be great, I only wish to be with the Father.”

“He knows. And in making such a wish, living with such a desire, has made you great. Do you honestly not know these things?”

“No.” I fell once more, my legs weak, my heart laboring, my lungs closing once again.

He came down and lifted me back to my feet. I felt his strength course through my body then, his grace filled my soul. He was holy. I looked into my own eyes. I drank in his face, my face. And he smiled. “Stephen, you have lived a life of love, of hope, of faith, of divinity. A life full of suffering and pain. A life where you never placed yourself in higher regard of others. You have lived a life of humility, a life of grace. You are a child of the Father. Do you not see how it is that here, you will be great?”

“You are showing me.” I said then. And he laughed. He laughed and it was music, sweet sweet music.

“We are one, body and spirit. This is the part that has always dwelt here, Stephen. This mirror you see right now. We are one.”

“When can I come?”

His smile faded, and his eyes became sad. “Not yet.” Then he pulled me into an embrace. Strong and tender. “Soon, Stephen. I know you long for ending. I know you desire rest. Not yet. You must endure a bit longer.”

I could not help myself, I began to weep and moaned out, “why?” He held me tighter, stroked the back of my head.

“You know why. Your work is not yet done.”

“What more can I do? I have no more strength, my body weakens, my eyes are going blind. There is nothing left.”

I felt him flinch with sudden ire. And he pulled me back so I looked into his face, my face. His eyes flashed with brief pain, then soothed back to gentleness. “If there were nothing left, you would not be here with me now. Do you question the Will of the Father?”

“No. No, I only wish to understand.”

“There is nothing to understand. It is not yet your time to come. That is all you need to know. The rest will come when it will.”

I nodded. “Forgive me.”

“Stephen, I am you. I can only forgive you if you forgive yourself. There is nothing to forgive. We are one, I feel your pain. And I know your desires. Understanding will come to you.”

“Yes, Stephen. It will come to me.”

And he smiled, he smiled and watched me go.

I now write this with the vision of him still etched in my soul. He was the promise I had been seeking. The answer I longed for. Will I be with the Father at the end? Yes. He showed me that.

[Fire Daughter]

Uncle Steve, this song is very simple, but it says exactly what I want to say to you...

I will Remember You--Ryan Cabera

Eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple 'cuz I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you

We're a picture in my mind
And when I wanna find you
I just close my eyes
You'll never be that far from me
So don't say goodbye 'cuz
You'll never be that far from me
I'm telling myself that

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you

You were there when I needed love and
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
God thank you, thank you
I will remember you

And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you

I miss you.

[Fist and Faith]

I don't know what to say about this. We are here now, on this thread. We have had 80+ pages worth of amazing conversations. Different things have occupied the majority of my online time at the Watch at different points throughout the nearly seven years I've been here, but this thread has been the most important to me. The fact that Stephen had to die for all this to happen is a sad thing.

However, we are here now. We have had these amazing conversations. And, because of the ideas and people it's lead me to and lead to me, this thread is my favorite spot on the whole freakin' internet. So I celebrate Stephen's life, and his beliefs, and all he has brought about. Well done, Stephen!

[Furls Fire]

Here's the one with the cottage. Eric txt'd me a pic of one he saw, so I thought I would repost this. There is another one in here some where about the cottage, I'll try to find that one too.

[Menolly]

Here's the one with the cottage. Eric txt'd me a pic of one he saw, so I thought I would repost this. There is another one in here some where about the cottage, I'll try to find that one too.

While you were away from us, Furls, I decided to finally start reading Stephen's thread from the beginning for the first time and shared with Eric my amazement about Isaiah first posting in the thread, reading that first post about the cottage and your description of it shortly after, and about Nathan James...

[Furls Fire]

I don't know what to say about this. We are here now, on this thread. We have had 80+ pages worth of amazing conversations. Different things have occupied the majority of my online time at the Watch at different points throughout the nearly seven years I've been here, but this thread has been the most important to me. The fact that Stephen had to die for all this to happen is a sad thing.

However, we are here now. We have had these amazing conversations. And, because of the ideas and people it's lead me to and lead to me, this thread is my favorite spot on the whole freakin' internet. So I celebrate Stephen's life, and his beliefs, and all he has brought about. Well done, Stephen!

Eric, you are one of the best things that have happened to me since joining the Watch. You are one of the ones who have been here from the start of all this. This wild, joyous, painful, beautiful thread...

When I first brought Stephen here, I thought that I would just be posting some of his poems, I really never thought when I made that first thread that it would become this. The people that have come and gone from here, the beauty and the tragedy that have come and gone from here, literally astounds me. And yet, it shouldn't...because when he was here, he did the same thing. He touched so many, and he helped so many, and he loved so many. Bringing him here was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

And to all those who still come, those who post, and those who are silently watching...I hope Stephen continues to speak to you all and you find joy in his words.

[Furls Fire]

I'm so happy to hear that, Pam! Isaiah, and now Alex, were the ultimate accomplishments of this thread. They were the reasons it was started, though I had no way of knowing that at the time...

[Stephen C]

August 3, 1998 2:47am

I believe God takes us places in our dreams. He took me to one a moment ago. Finding the reason why, is beyond me. Maybe it was just to bring me a certain joy, and has no reason at all, only that it just is. Who can explain the ways of our God? Why show someone as unworthy as me such a glorious place? How do I warrant such gifts?

When I opened my eyes it was there
Dreamlike in the night, the air filled
With the fragrance of jasmine flowers.
It stood there, spacious, with a thatched roof.
The room cool, lit by inner glow.
And a garden full of flowers, an old well ensconced
With the jasmine.
I drew to its grace, a saint had lived there once,
Whose presence now became the silence enshrined
Within the walls, the divine aura.
And I thought, Heaven must be like this.

--Stephen C. McKinney

He brought me to the house of a saint. Oh I knew it in the instant I walked inside. Such beauty, I am humbled.

[Menolly]

*nodding*
I thought that was the one you meant; it is the same as the one on the very first page of this thread, the one linked to in my post above.

As Stephen said regarding his dream, I say regarding his description of it.

Such beauty, I am humbled.

[Furls Fire]

I'm really happy you have taken the "plunge" so to speak. Posting the entries about Nathan James turned out to be one of the more heart wrenching experiences here in the thread. Not to mention the fact that it was at that same exact time that Isaiah was with us and posting about Nathan was actually the little nudge he needed to finally tell me, via email and IM, that he had AIDS.

There is no, nor was there ever, any "coincidence" here. I was meant to come here, I was meant to start posting Stephen, and I was meant to embrace Isaiah (Alex too). No one can convince me that any of this was mere "coincidence".





(Here's another about the house...Isaiah picked it out when he arrived here at Christmas time 2003 the first time I posted it.)

[Stephen C]

May 19 or 20, 2001, time unknown, night, waking from a glorious dream…

This time the stars appear closer, brighter. The moon in its dark must be the reason for their brilliance. Yet, there is more, the presence, the peace, the heart, the breath, the ambience of this living night, enwraps me. And I see the house, my house, the Saint’s house, the one I come to or am brought to in my dreams. Sweet serenity under the close stars, standing here in the fore yard, by the well, I begin to weep. Is my time that close? Somehow, I know I should not enter, ah but the pull, the desire, the anguished lure of it compels me forward. The gift of it, my soul sings gratitude to the Lord, and not yet mine. I am stayed by His Hand on my arm, I feel it, sense it, exalt in it. Not yet mine, not yet, but soon, yes very soon, I will walk through that welcoming door into my house, the Saint’s house. He brings me here to give me peace, strength, help, to get through these last days. Oh, how it beckons me, its living spirit drenched in divine aura, all of me, my will, heart, soul, essence, aches to enter, aches to be warm, aches to be free of pain. In there, where the light is, where the grace is, where the joy is.

There is a whisper of command in my ear and I relent. Then, there is a question, whispered as the command, “Would you enter uninvited?”

“No.” I say, in whisper, in anguish. “No, but Lord, I was once inside.”

“You were allowed to see. That is all. You did not enter.”

Oh, how I weep. “If I cannot enter, then please, take me from it.”

I feel arms close about me, joy enfolds me, grace washes over me and my weeping subsides. “Soon.”

It is then that my eyes open, they see little, yet enough, I find myself laying, in cold sweat, in pain, in disease, here in this hospital room. My sister dozes in the recliner chair next to the heart bleeping machine that tells me I’m still alive. Alive? Is this living? Ah, Father, I do not wish to linger here, my usefulness has been spent. I wish to go home, please, Father, take me home.

[Furls Fire]

Ah, feeling semi-human now. IV finally gone, no more beeping in my ear 24/7, AND, I get a real shower today! Life is good!

And speaking of "life", the morning is teaming with it. The forest is singing, the breeze, the birds, my babies are running around outside laughing and hollering. Summer up here is beginning to wane, and soon the snow will start falling. And the gentle peace of winter will settle over the mountain. I thank God for this day, for all my days past, and for all those to come. And it doesn't matter to me how they are, be they serene like today, or joyous, or full of pain. I thank God for them all...

Life
is beautiful
but it's complicated
we barely make it
we don't need
to understand
there are miracles...
miracles...

Happy Sunday all!

[Menolly]

I rejoice in the signs of the return of the Furls we all know and cherish.



huggles, Furls.

Happy Day.

[Edge]

Furlsy! So good to hear you're doing better!

[Harley Guy]

Ah, feeling semi-human now. IV finally gone, no more beeping in my ear 24/7, AND, I get a real shower today! Life is good!

And speaking of "life", the morning is teaming with it. The forest is singing, the breeze, the birds, my babies are running around outside laughing and hollering. Summer up here is beginning to wane, and soon the snow will start falling. And the gentle peace of winter will settle over the mountain. I thank God for this day, for all my days past, and for all those to come. And it doesn't matter to me how they are, be they serene like today, or joyous, or full of pain. I thank God for them all...

Life
is beautiful
but it's complicated
we barely make it
we don't need
to understand
there are miracles...
miracles...

Happy Sunday all!

I love you, baby.

[Furls Fire]

Pam, Brian

The sun broke through the clouds.

Uh, but it may snow up here tonight...heh...

Russell...you...*sigh*...you are cornerstone of my world, you are its foundation, you are the great love of my life. What would I be with out you? I love you...