Fear

[Linna Heartbooger]

That ...sure sounds hard, sure sounds like the kind of situation that would convince a gal that a tough cynicism is the safest approach.

All I'm gonna say right now is...

[Holsety]

The biggest reason I'm still at my current job (12 years now!), as personally unfulfilling as it is, is that I'm afraid to leave and find myself in another bitch-on-wheels situation. So yeah, I'd rather put up with it for another 8 years (and write stories, hoping I can make enough money to retire sooner) than start looking for another job.

I don't mean to say that what follows is true for you as it is for me, but I thought it was worth sharing a thought that this post provoked. I find that my job is fulfilling when I'm doing it, but when I look back on it in retrospect and evaluate what I've done, it is unsatisfying. Only in the present do I find that I'm doing something worthwhile. There's too much second-guessing when I'm out of that present to allow for confidence and pride in my work when I'm at home.

[aliantha]

That sucks, Holsety. No, my job isn't even particularly fulfilling when I'm doing it. I do zero writing and very little editing, and my work involves almost no intellectual stimulation. Plus I spend a lot of time running interference with the Finance Department, whose language I neither speak nor have much interest in learning, and gods know they don't speak mine.

[Holsety]

That sucks, Holsety. No, my job isn't even particularly fulfilling when I'm doing it. I do zero writing and very little editing, and my work involves almost no intellectual stimulation. Plus I spend a lot of time running interference with the Finance Department, whose language I neither speak nor have much interest in learning, and gods know they don't speak mine.

Actually, it's really not that bad...I do intake on a hotline, so I get to talk to a lot of people about their situations and even though it oftentimes runs into pretty similar stories, there's enough variety in personalities to keep me interested in each call.

But I can't really be sure whether our work makes a difference, because I only schedule people with other units that appraise if they're eligible for pro bono work and we don't follow up with advised (unrepresented) clients. And there is the perspective with some cases about whether a difference should be made; it's just not really my call to judge that in any case.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Holsety- wow, that sounds like a cool organization to me. My first job out of college was customer service / third-party verification for phone service. And I'd say the main problem was that I was unwilling to "toot my own horn" and admit that I could actually be competent and do stuff*.

Otoh, that place had one of the clearest, most consistent sets of workplace boundaries I'd ever seen, and I grew from that.

Anyways, um, you gonna post an "i have found gainful employment" post on the unemployment thread so we can celebrate ya?

[Linna Heartbooger]

Stevie G.- guess what? I'm thinking the "sometimes you just gotta say wtf?" is an example of "taking an action before you lose your nerve."
And that's lookin' to be darned useful to me!
Thanks.

[Avatar]

I do zero writing and very little editing, and my work involves almost no intellectual stimulation.

And I typed 30,000 keystrokes yesterday. Probably average about 20k usually, up to 35K on busy days. Yep...my job involves plenty of writing. (And plenty of intellectual stimulation, for which I am extremely grateful.)

--A

[Linna Heartbooger]

Btw, this thread "went quiet" for a bit...

I've been thinking about what some of my major solutions are. Here are some of the biggies, as far as "cognitive" solutions:

1. Making lists
(Unlike King Joyse's queen from Mordant's Need, I do NOT know my own mind. So I use lists of relevant data to track my evasive actions and search them for patterns.)
2. Reading relevant books.
(but sometimes this backfires if I don't DO what I find in them)
3. Taking care of myself / pampering myself.

I would love to expound on this / share some of my lists if people are interested. (i.e. 'I'm dying to - just gimme the "go," someone.')

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Linna, Go!

I am doing well in school and that is because I am terrified of failure now in a way I wasn't before. It is my motivating factor, but I can tell it's sort of damaging. Oh well, after I get the degree I can get the therapy to fix it?

[StevieG]

Linna, go! I'd be very interested in your thoughts.

Catching up a bit... Ali, thankyou for being honest about your fears - there are some people on the watch that write with no fear. You're one of them. A few others spring to mind. I know that everybody has fears, but not everyone wants to share them. It sounds like a real bugger of a fear, or defense mechanism, that is comfortable not to release... I hope you find a way around it (if you want to of course).

Stevie G.- guess what? I'm thinking the "sometimes you just gotta say wtf?" is an example of "taking an action before you lose your nerve."
And that's lookin' to be darned useful to me!
Thanks.

Glad to hear it Linna! It is a phrase that can help me a lot at times. I had a minor set back today in a social situation. I'd been up late and was lacking a little sleep, and went to a child's birthday party. I didn't really want to be there, and wasn't that keen on making conversation. But as I continued, I found that I started becoming scared of making conversation - same old story, just like the bad old days. I found myself chanting the mantra of wtf, and it did help a little. It can be a battle at times, but these tests need to be conquered! It is all too easy to slip into old habits, and start doubting yourself.

I am doing well in school and that is because I am terrified of failure now in a way I wasn't before. It is my motivating factor, but I can tell it's sort of damaging. Oh well, after I get the degree I can get the therapy to fix it?

Indeed! Fear of failure has been mentioned before, and remains a large reason for fear. It is a driving force and a strangler also. I wish you all the best in the degree, and hope that the driving force is the winner!

[aliantha]

Thanks, StevieG -- and I forgot to thank you before, Linna.

Linna, when I'm in a situation in which I'm dithering over doing something -- not necessarily fear-based dithering, but I think it could work for that, as well -- I'll finally get fed up with myself and say, "This is ridiculous," and just do it. It's the next cousin, I think, to "WTF", and it might be easier for you to say to yourself if you don't want to say the f-word (even in your head ).

[Shaun das Schaf]

deleted

[Linna Heartbooger]

Thanks, StevieG -- and I forgot to thank you before, Linna.

Linna, when I'm in a situation in which I'm dithering over doing something -- not necessarily fear-based dithering, but I think it could work for that, as well -- I'll finally get fed up with myself and say, "This is ridiculous," and just do it. It's the next cousin, I think, to "WTF", and it might be easier for you to say to yourself if you don't want to say the f-word (even in your head ).

Thanks for thinking about & trying to be sensitive to my sense of restraint w/ words (or whatever it is?), ali.

Actually, I do say it in my head, usually mostly-unconsciously, and often directed at myself. (not what you were looking for - or what I was looking for when I stumbled upon this phenomenon!)

I've been trying to uncover times when I use that word, and especially the S-word ("stupid") and re-phrase stuff.
I've said it out loud in counselling; first when quoting someone; perhaps again later in a conversation where it seemed relevant or I found myself wanting to say it.

Btw, still trying to find a list I wrote down a couple months/weeks ago... if I can't find it, I'll maybe share another, more recent one.

[Avatar]

Linna, Go!

I am doing well in school and that is because I am terrified of failure now in a way I wasn't before. It is my motivating factor, but I can tell it's sort of damaging. Oh well, after I get the degree I can get the therapy to fix it?

A JemCheeta sighting!

--A

[aliantha]

I know, right? I didn't want to say anything, tho, for fear of scaring him away...

Hi, JemCheeta!

[Linna Heartbooger]

In response to "Go!," you guys get a list of kinds of lists I've found useful.

(there's the one I was looking for! Names have been eliminated to protect the innocent!)
Stuff I'm avoiding:

• Getting things fully cleaned-up (kitchen, table)
  Going outside?!?
  Really listening to people (hubby, his brothers, my older kiddo)
  Cooking
  Planning
  Sending [sis] her gift
  Reading "From the Soil"
  Calling dad
  Learning Chinese
  Staying on task w/ things [task completion]
  Monday Night Group?
  Calling people?
  Mailing people about [joining me in a volunteering thing]
  Asking [hubby] for help

Sighh... I'm realizing that the big, long list of list types (below) can look stressful; I feel anxiety just looking at it. Therefore I will spoiler it.

Spoiler

Reasons why I don't want to do something.

• (I ripped this one off of the book "Simple Hospitality.")
  Lists answering the questions:
  • Spoiler

    What do I want to do?
    What do I want to be?
    What do I want to have?
    Whom do I want to help?
  (these next ones I ripped off of Flylady.net and modified)
  Lists answering these questions:
  • Spoiler

    What am I thinking?
    What is better?
  The more common and traditional:
  • Spoiler

    Wish list
    Task list
    List of goals for 1 year from now, written in the present tense.
    (the last one snagged from "Eat that Frog")

I know I'm not really responding to anyone else's thoughts yet on this post; I just sorta recognized I really wanted to talk about myself and what stuff I've found.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Having trouble with fear of failure again. For the last couple of weeks, I've mostly not been taking the initiative involving tutoring opportunities.

I'm also in a mode where if I fail one little bit, I tend to try to "prove" that I'm having a complete failure by making myself fail completely. (I think this is usually partially from wanting to hide from the failure. I don't know though.)

It's sort of rotten how I am letting this problem take me for a ride. Don't know what "the deal" is...

[Avatar]

Failure isn't the end of the world you know.

--A

[Linna Heartbooger]

Failure isn't the end of the world you know.

Or maybe I don't know!

So yeah, I think that's it... though maybe I just tend to feel that failure means...
the end of me!

[Shaun das Schaf]

Failure isn't the end of the world you know.

--A

What if it was your job to save the world and you didn't succeed? Hmm? Hmm?